Americans Respond to Norway Attacks by Shooting Each Other

If you spent yesterday huddled in a corner with a bottle of vodka, crying and depressed about all of the massacre and death news that this weekend has brought us so far, well ... you might want to get a refill on that drink.

It's been quite the deadly weekend here in the gun-toting US of A, as some of our fellow countryfolk have taken it upon themselves to go on shooting sprees that have ended lives, caused unfathomable pain and suffering for dozens of families, and turned places where people once felt safe into memorials where people will mourn the senseless loss of life for years to come. So far:

  • Earlier today, a man walked into the nightclub in Seattle, Washington's Muckleshoot Casino, saw "his" woman with another guy, and started shooting, wounding at least seven people. Two victims are in critical condition. Cops caught the gunman.
  • In nearby Kent, Washington, at least 12 people were wounded late Saturday afternoon during a gun fight that took place outside a car show. Luckily, no one died.
  • In the city where I live, four people were shot and killed and 13 others were injured overnight in what I'll call a meta-spree. In one of the non-fatal shootings, two men were shot by the same man.
  • Six people died at a roller rink in Grand Prairie, Texas on Saturday when Tan Do killed his estranged wife, her sisters, her brother, and her sister-in-law, before turning the gun on himself. The occasion happened to be a birthday party for one of his kids. What the hell.
  • In Stockton, California, a 15-year-old boy was shot and killed and eight others were wounded, also at a (backyard) birthday party.
  • In Apopka, Florida, nine people were injured Saturday night during a shooting that took place at—again—a birthday party. All the victims were teenagers; fortunately, all are expected to survive.
  • A masked gunman started shooting people outside a nightclub in Los Angeles' Little Tokyo neighborhood on Saturday. Two victims are in critical condition.
  • NYPD Detective Harold Thomas was shot early Saturday morning while vacationing in Miami. He reportedly got into a scuffle with somebody outside his hotel. His condition's unknown.
  • Three people died and one was seriously injured in a shooting that occurred Friday night—the opening night of the "Too Broke for Sturgis" motorcycle rally, near Flagstaff. Investigators are trying to determine whether this incident was a murder-suicide, as a gun was found near the hand of one of the dead.

Please, nobody give me any reason to update this list! Go hug somebody, plant a flower, bake a pie, draw a cat picture, play some badminton, anything. Just stop shooting each other.