The Tragic End of Skosworth

Your favoritest and blondest celeb couple has called it quits. Alas, alack. Also today: Leighton Meester's love life heats up, Hugh Hefner's cools down, and Kristin Cavallari is very sad.

  • Famous blond(e) people Alexander Skarsgard and Kate Bosworth, thin pale people from thin pale places, have ended their blank, passionless love affair after spending two of our human years together. So that's sad? I mean, is it sad? Or is it like two robots getting a divorce? It will be weird to not see to them together I guess, but it's not like there's any real emotion there. "I'm leaving you," Alexander whispered, shimmering in the noonday sun. "I too am leaving you," replied Bosworth, fluttering in the breeze. And then that was that! It just doesn't really tug at the old heart-guts does it? Ah well. Shine on, you crazy diamonds. And I mean that literally. They're both crazy diamonds. [Us]
  • Leighton Meester has apparently been making time with my boyfriend Justin Long, so that's a little bit frustrating. Meester is in New York filming her cable access program Gossip's Girls and Justin has a place on the Lower East Side and they've been seeing a lot of each other. Um, yeah, Justin's "place on the Lower East Side"? My place on the Lower East Side too, Leighton Meester. Why don't you go back to beating people up with champagne bottles or whatever it is you've been doing lately and keep ya hands off mah Jerstin. (Actually I don't really care, because getting mad about a movie star cheating on you is like getting mad at the sun for shining on other people. It's just what they do.) [P6]
  • Oh no! Kristin Cavallari, a void of a person, the space between two musical notes, was supposed to get married to a football guy named Jay Cutler, they were engaged and all that stuff, so she took a bunch of photos of herself in her wedding dress. Only now they've broken up and the photos have been released and oh god how tragically humiliating! TMZ is very sad about this, saying the word sad a lot in their post about this sad, sad thing. And I think they are really sad! I mean, who wouldn't be sad that a football king is no longer marrying the human embodiment of a forgotten anecdote? And then that that forgotten anecdote took photos in her wedding dress? It's just a thing to be sad about, here in 2011. In lieu of flowers, send pieces of paper on which you've written an explanation of who Kristin Cavallari is. [TMZ]
  • An old man who lives in a crumbling castle named Walder Frey Hugh Hefner is upset that his young fiance told the radio that he only has sex for two seconds before the dust comes out and he's asleep again. In response, Hef went onto his Twitter machine and said that the lady, name of Crystal Harris, had been lying. Oh, what, does sex with you, an 85-year-old tit collector, last long luxurious sensual hours, with many positions and creative maneuvers? Do the moans of your furious rutting shake the castle's dank stoney walls for all to hear? No, I think not. I firmly believe it's two seconds and then "Oh... Oh dear. I- Zzzzzzz..." I'm sorry, old man, but I do. Anyway, whatever. Looks like Hef is back in the saddle again anyway. Phew. [People]
  • Actress Selma Blair has given birth to a baby boy (thank god it was a baby, can you imagine giving birth to an adult boy?) named Arthur Saint Bleick. Hm. Isn't Saint Bleick that saint who was canonized right while the pope was trying his first Mike's Hard Lemonade? "I name him Saint... bleick!!! What the hell am I drinking? This is disgusting. Who drinks this? Seriously, guys, who drinks this? Anyway, what did I say? 'Bleick'?? Shit, that's binding isn't it? Oh well. Saint Bleick it is. I'm tired. Let's play dominoes." [Us]
  • Oh look. Remember the pregnant man? He was that F-to-M transsexual who, while legally a man, decided to get pregnant because his wife couldn't. Anyway, he's apparently lost the baby weight! So that's good. Nice to lose the baby weight, I'm sure. Nice to be that guy. Who lost the baby weight. After being pregnant. You know, that man. I'm sorry. I just... I'm only human, OK? And some things... Some things are just pregnant men, you know? Some things are just that and it's how I'm going to react to them. Pregnant men with baby weight. There we have it. [TMZ]
  • Martha Stewart will be celebrating her 70th birthday (70th!!!) at her Maine home this weekend. Her Maine home is called "Skylands," and is a 35,000 square-foot (yup) mansion that was built by Edsel Ford. You can look at it here. What a crazy life this old bitch has! What a crazy fucking life. "Yeah, I'll be having my birthday party at my island castle where I have a flower arranging room." "I... uh... your change is two fifty." Crazy life! So many people do not have that life. Like, the better part of six billion people do not have that life. And there she is, flower arranging atop the heap. You did it, you crazy monster. You really did it. [P6]
  • It seems that perfect dream couple, oh why did they have to split!, Jesse James and Kat Von D broke up because Jesse was stepping out with another woman. He was????? That's utterly shocking. My jaw is lying on the floor. Unbelievable. Who with? Well, nobody knows. But given his track record, I'm going to guess that if he was cheating on Sandra Bullock with that Nazi stripper, then he was cheating on Kat Von D with Pol Pot's gnarled old concubine. Or maybe just Pol Pot's corpse. Or maybe just a piece of poop he found on the ground. Maybe just the idea of poop. Kat Von D caught Jesse James masturbating to the idea of poop and she got mad and left. I think that's what happened. [Radar]

[Photo via Getty]