McDonald's Makes Happy Meals Slightly Less-Deadly

McDonald's, which for years has played wicked witch to our plump little Hansels and Gretles, has announced that they are making their happy meals a bit healthier. Will this keep our children from having their first aneurisms at 12 years-old?

No, because all they're doing is adding five slices of apples and reducing the size of the fries from "obscene" to "enormous," and making milk the default beverage, instead of soda.

In fact, our kids have been chowing down on fried globules of mashed-up protein and carbohydrates at McDonald's for long that the new Happy Meal actually introduces a new health risk: That they'll be literally scared to death by unexpected fresh fruit. "Mommy, what are these cold things in my Happy Meal? Worms?" [Image via Getty]