Whoa, this whole "debt ceiling" thing sure is scary, right? Can you imagine a national default? All together now, American paupers: "Yes, we can fucking imagine it. Welcome to the club, rest of America."
How We Will Get Through This Default Together
1. Don't panic!
2. "Hey, thanks for calling America. We're not here right now, we just need a little time to get things together, that's all. Just a little time. We just had to go chill in Oregon for a while and figure shit out, you know? Fuck, wait, not Oregon."
3. Change the national address. "USA, c/o Mexico. Postman: leave all correspondence in Juarez."
4. Put a blanket over all the aircraft carriers. Try telling someone you can't pay them back when you have a boat. That never goes over well!
5. Ditto for Air Force One. Christ, just use your head.
6. Liquidate all unnecessary states. Make the hard cuts. Don't just stop at New Hampshire.
7. Listen closely to Suze Orman's advice. Then, sacrifice to her a pit of hungry lions live on pay-per-view. That should bring in some cash.
8. No more Whole Foods. Ah, ah, ah: I don't want to hear it.
9. Find more gold, but quick.
10. Just give back all that stuff we bought.
[Photo via Shutterstock]