The world is quickly tumbling further into hell, thanks entirely to a crisis of Washington's own making, but Capitol Hill is celebrating its favorite holiday of the year today: the release day of The Hill's annual "50 Most Beautiful" list!
While we haven't had time to comb through the whole list, here are some tips for how you, the Capitol Hill sexpot, can make next year's top ten.
- Be a Republican: Six of the Top Ten Most Beautiful Capitol Hill People — including the top three — are Republicans, while two are "nonpartisan." They come from attractive Republican places, like Nashville. They say nice Republican things, like, "I think being nice is being pretty. Having a bad attitude makes you unattractive." Want to make the top ten? Join the Grand Old Party.
- Be Kristi Noem, Specifically: Kristi Noem, Gawker's hottest freshman member of Congress, obviously makes the top ten. And she refused to be interviewed for the article! How beautiful.
- Practice an esoteric beauty-maintenance routine: Do you think that Kalinda Stephenson got hair like that by using run-of-the-mill petrochemicals? Fools: "She says she keeps her hair shiny by using a family recipe: She mashes up an avocado with olive oil, rubs the mixture into her hair and lets it sit under a shower cap for an hour. When she washes it out, it shines like a freshly waxed limousine." Exactly, a limousine.
- Play every sport at all times: Zach Mallove loves sports! "Basketball, soccer, football, even rugby – Mallove says he loves them all. 'I definitely like to work out at least four or five times a week, either the gym or running.'" He keeps fit, by playing sports! So does Jenna Gibson, who played quarterback for her college football team, or something, and "passes the off-season by playing golf and tennis, and hitting the gym four to five times per week."
Here's the list. Now it's your turn to make half-baked generalizations, in the comments!
And to The Hill? Just FYI, there's a severe lack of "Blake Farenthold" on this list. Don't fuck it up again next year.