Nobody's Doing Real Fitness Any More

It seems that everywhere you look these days, someone is telling you how to do fitness wrong. They're telling you the wrong way to pick a trainer, they're telling you the wrong best exercise to do, they're telling you to do things that will kill you. And do you know who is to blame for all of this misinformation? That's right: you.

You, because you are the one swallowing all of it like a great quantity of Wendy's™ brand Frosty beverage. You want to be lied to, America. Just look at your behavior. You search for an easy answer through fashion:

Jock straps are a big seller on [FreshPair.com], for example, but the company has found that "only one-third of jock strap wearers actually wear their jock straps during sports activities. The rest are just worn for fashion," said Mr. Butlein.

You forsake dirty real gyms for "mega-gyms" that offer a "resort experience:"

The notion of being able to get a haircut, do hot yoga and eat a healthful lunch after a kickboxing class "without having to drive to several locations" may entice a growing number of people, says Thompson

And you schizophrenically choose to feed your children greasy takeout food while demanding lower-calorie options at the Cheesecake Factory. It'll all be washed away in your next bullshit colon cleansing "detox" procedure anyhow, right? You sicken me, America. A pampered nation of self-indulgent babies searching for a quick fix, a bunch of suckers all too eager to shower our hard-earned money on the next huckster who promises the moon—or at least some six-pack abs—in exchange for nothing but your credit card number. It's no wonder the vaunted "American Century" has ended. I blame fashionable men's underwear and in-gym haircutteries.

For variety, you can always try front squats.

[Photo: Lululemon/Flickr]