New Infinity Math Is So Over Your Head, Just Forget ItS

New math! Fancier chips! Higgs Boson! Humongous fungus! Acid bases! Sea monster! Asteroid pictures! Fecal bleed! And everyone's best friend is dropping in for the summer! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—not that you would understand!

  • Will the mysterious properties of infinity ultimately lead us to a new and superior structure of logic that superseded and renders anachronistic all of mathematics as we know it? Yeah.
  • Those computer chips just keep getting smaller and smaller, don't they? But there's a problem: if they keep sticking more transistors on the chips, they're going to use too much energy! I wouldn't worry about it, though. They'll come up with some technology thing to fix it, like always. Or not, just keep things how they are now. Are things so bad?
  • Physicists will get you soon, Higgs Boson. And when they do... woo, buddy. I won't even say what's going to happen. Okay, they're going to rape you.
  • Some dude in China found the world's largest fungus, which weighs a thousand pounds. It was just sitting under a tree, exactly as a thousand pound man would do.
  • Good lord, chemists are transforming acids into bases? What next, marrying horses?
  • They found a fossil of a sea monster on a beach in Alaska. Thank god, cause August is so fucking boring.
  • We've finally gotten an up-close look at the asteroid Vesta, and let me tell you, I don't like his looks, not one bit. Dark, pockmarked, cold, traveling thousands of miles an hour through the featureless void of space more than 100 million miles away from earth. I mean, what do you really know about this guy, Kelly? I'm just looking out for you.
  • Honestly, the anal fixation of these science headlines is completely out of control.
  • Stink bugssssssssssssss!
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