Last night I was having dinner with a fetish gear designer and totally forgot to watch Logo's skank tank of a reality show The A List. Luckily I was at Hell's Kitchen's newest Mexican hotspot, Acapulco Disco, and overheard Manhattan's most annoying homosexuals, Dustin and Jayden, talking about all the action. Here's what they had to say.
"Girl, you are never going to believe what happened!"
"You finally found ecstasy that doesn't give you a backache and make you do that ugly Elvis impersonator face."
"Your last john gave you a $300 tip."
"The penicillin is finally working."
"Yes, but no, girl! Austin posed for Playgirl."
"What, did they get taken over by Ursa the magazine for bears."
"Yeah, she fat. But she was trying to get in shape for the cover."
"She don't look like it."
"Well, Marty saw her at the gym."
"Which one? Martie with an 'ie' who you met at that gay Jew event or Marti with an 'i' who hosts that drag event on Broadway."
"No, girl, Marty with a y who Derek buys her 'mones from. She was at the gym and Austin's boyfriend was all getting her to work out and was like, 'I don't want you being all fat on the cover of Ursa,' and Austin was all 'I hate cardio. I hate abs.'"
"Lady, she don't just hate abs, she's allergic to them." (SNAPS!)
"I'm shocked Austin is the first one to do porn. I mean, Reichen's already giving the milk away for free."
"That's funny cause Austin doesn't think it's porn."
"What? Does she know what Playgirl is? That's like saying 'I don't do drugs, I just drink and smoke pot and might do some coke if someone else has it, but I never buy it.'"
"That sounds just like me!"
"Please, honey. Your middle name ain't Hoover for nothing."
"Truth. So, anyway, Austin all goes to meet the head of Playgirl for an interview."
"How'd you know?"
"Girl, she's famous. I love her. She looks 20."
"Really? He looks about 35, if a day."
"No, not years, child. Inches! She got a big old bulge."
"True, she does, and she wanted to see Austin's bulge. He was like, 'We're going to have a test shoot right now.'"
"Ha! I bet you could hear Austin sucking in her stomach."
"So Daniel was there with Jeff, that queen who takes the pictures for Next Magazine for Homosexuals."
"Love her. And Daniel's assistant Glennda was there too, and they're taking pictures and Austin takes her clothes all off."
"Ew, she fat."
"No, girl, she didn't look that bad."
"Really? Girl, you know one of the symptoms of syphilis is blindness."
"No, really. She looks good. But she's got a scone."
"What the hell is a scone?"
"It's when a bottom's got a muffin top!"
"Did you just make that up?"
"This is a shade free zone! Anyway, Austin is all naked and Daniel is like, 'It's time to make the donuts!' So, Austin goes behind the curtain and is trying to get himself hard, but he can't do it. He's all like, 'I'm uncomfortable. I didn't know there was going to be a shoot. I don't want people seeing my dick.'"
"Really? Does she know she's trying to be in a naked magazine? That's like showing up at your personal trainer without wearing your shorts."
"It's like showing up to the bathhouse without lube."
"It's like going to see Junior Vasquez and still remembering parts of the late '90s."
"Truth! Finally, Daniel sends Glennda back there to help Austin out."
"Did it work?"
"Girl, they don't call her the good witch for nothin'!"
"Oh, this is all too funny. I can't wait for her issue to come out. She probably won't have any friends by then."
"Girl, she ain't got no friends now."
"Well, she has Derek, who all went to this big meeting to defend Austin. Apparently Rod-i-ney wants to get a 'restraings order' against Austin because Austin 'puts my life in dangers.'"
"Please, the only injury that Austin could inflict is a pulled groin."
"Truth. But there's this big meeting and everyone is all like 'I hate Austin when she's drunk,' and Derek is like, 'Well, it's only bad when he's drunk, so I still love him,' and then he takes Austin to Limelight Marketplace..."
"What the hell is that?"
"It's that mall that used to be a club that used to be a church."
"Was it a fierce club?"
"Who knows girl, this was way before Club 57, so it doesn't even count. Anyway, they're like eating gellato..."
"What is Austin trying to give Derek fat? She better watch out, that shit is contagious."
"Right! No-fat sorbet for both for both of them. Derek is all like 'Rod-i-ney is going to get a restraining order against you because he's afraid you'll beat him up,' and Austin is like, 'That's stupid. Why would he do that? I will beat the shit out of him. He better be scared of me.'"
"Because that's exactly how you convince someone not to get a restraining order against you."
"Right! Well, I can't talk about her no more, I gotta jet. I'm meeting TJ at G."
"It's a Tuesday night. What's TJ doing out?"
"She ain't got no job no more."
"Aw, that sucks. We love a TJ."
"We do. But Ryan fired her."
"Some shit about how she wants to be her friend and not her boss or her highlights were getting ugly or TJ said she was too queeny or some shit. I don't know. But we gotta find her work."
"Well, I hear that Playgirl is hiring."
"MMMMhhhhmmmmm. She better work!"