L.A. Fitness Members Want the Body of an Old Lady

Chocolate workout! Smaller gyms! Drummer warrior! Fast pushups! Helen Mirren! Tween athletes! Vegetarian benefits! Heart exercise! And Americans are still fat, all of us! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—plyometrixplosively!

  • Here's a little something for all the ladies out there: eating chocolate can actually help your workout. Hahaha, I knew you ladies out there would love that one! Chocolate while working out? "Yes please," I imagine all the ladies out there saying! I am Women's Day magazine!
  • This recession has been really tough on smaller gyms. But it's been okay for bigger gyms, which is better when you go to lift the gym, more weight.
  • If you were to ask me whether or not drummer Neil Peart is a workout warrior, I would direct you to this article. Then I'd probably roll my eyes at you and mutter, like, "Not familiar with Google much?" or something like that, under my breath.
  • How fast should you do pushups? As fast as possible. You should... youshouldhave... Ushdhvalreadydun 48 pushups just now! Just right now! That's another 48! And 48 more pushups right now! I just did 600 pushups, 782, 934, faster!
  • According to LA Fitness gym members, Helen Mirren has the sexiest female physique in the world. That's because LA Fitness is a gym for pussies.
  • It's good that your middle school child is a great basketball player and all, but don't be one of those "crazy sports parents," like this guy. Another thing you don't wanna be is "that guy" at the bar who's always bragging to women about your basketball prodigy son and slipping them roofies.
  • Thinking about becoming a vegetarian? Good! It's good for you, and it's good for the planet. And if some bullies make fun of you and call you a "weak ass vegetarian," you just tell them "that's not why I'm weak, it's for other reasons."
  • Even a small amount of exercise is good for your heart. But not for your traps. You really have to punish those bad boys.
  • What is the link between sleep and obesity? Simple: if you sleep, you are fat. (If you're an American.)
[Photo: Getty ]