Antidepression Is the New DepressionS

Alexander technique! HIV trends! Antidepressant popularity! Imaginary wrinkles! Expensive food! Sick ticks! Scorpion medicine! Elderly genes! And some very special research by scientist perv pornographers! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—maniacally!

  • Have you heard about the "Alexander Technique" of muscle relaxation? No? Well, forget it then.
  • It's terrible that there are 50,000 new HIV infections in America ever year, and young, gay black men are at terrifyingly disproportionate risk. At least we can take comfort in the fact that young, gay black men are the American demographic group with the most economic and political resources, to tackle this problem.
  • Who's on antidepressants now? Basically everyone in America. Even Tom Brady? Even Tom Brady.
  • Now you can spend obscene amounts of money fighting wrinkles that you don't even have yet. But can you stave off your inevitable future decline into old age, sickness, and eventually death? Uh... sure, if you give me a hundred dollars.
  • "Eating healthy food costs more money in U.S." This is a myth, because who's to say natural dirt straight from the earth is not "healthy?"
  • Lyme disease too boring for you? There's a new tick-borne illness! The thing about us ticks is we're very flexible, we love to try new things, so... maybe you'd like to go out some time? Or otherwise I can just suck your blood and give you ehrlichiosis. Actually I'll do that either way.
  • If you've been stung by an American scorpion here in America, you're gonna have to use a Mescan medicine, or just go ahead and suffer. What is to stop the Mescans from blackmailing us with their newfound lock on scorpion medicine? What is to stop them from playing mariachis to summon a scorpion army to come scurrying and biting across the border, as they wave their vials of precious antidote, mocking us, saying "Only one million dollars, gringo, take it or leave it, hahaha!" Well I assume trade agreements, for one.
  • If you want to live to be 100 years old, it doesn't matter, because unless you have the right genes then you just won't, you'll drop dead at some point before you reach 100 years old, dead as a doornail and just laying in a pine box lowered in the ground and before your 100th birthday you'll be nothing but compost, you don't even have a choice in the matter, son. Eat all the apples you want.
  • This story is about female nipples!
[Photo: Shutterstock]