Last night I was too busy downloading Breaking Bad on iTunes to watch The A-List, but I ran into Dustin and Jayden, Manhattan's most obnoxious homosexuals, as they were leaving the Ritz and they filled me in on all the action. Here's what I overheard.
"Girl, guess who is getting gay married?"
"Elton John and David Furnish."
"No, that already happened. Guess."
"Neil Patrick Harris and Papa Smurf."
"No, queen. GUESS!"
"Rosie O'Donnell and a pair of orange Crocs."
"No, lady. Derek!"
"Who the hell is Derek getting gay married to?"
"Some older rich man from Britain in L.A. named Duncan."
"Girl, Britain is not a neighborhood in L.A. And Derek is not getting gay married."
"I know, I can't believe it either. Who would be into Derek, but he was going on and on and on about how he finally met someone he likes and how no one is rich enough for him, and this is his Mr. Big."
"Did he really say it was his 'Mr. Big?'"
"Yeah, that's worse than waiting in line for a Magnolia cupcake..."
"...Wearing a necklace from Pat Fields..."
"...Talking about how dry your vagina is."
"Anyway, he was talking about they are in love and gonna get married and shit."
"Girl, when was the last time you talked to Derek?"
"Two days ago."
"Oh, well, they're already broken up and now Derek hates Duncan."
"Girl, she dropped that faster than Rod-i-ney drops indefinite articles."
"I was at brunch the other day and Derek was talking to his assistant..."
"Wait, she has an assistant?"
"She ain't got no job!"
"I know, girl. I know. Anyway she tells the assistant that she dropped Duncan because he was making jokes about vomit and snot and gave him a used Cartier watch."
"Oh please, you know as soon as she found out that watch was used she was like 'Check!'"
"And that's not the worst of it. So, after dumping Duncan Hines at dinner, Derek goes to meet Austin and he's at the bar with Duncan."
"Yes! And so Derek is all like, tell him to go away, and Austin is all like, I can't I just invited him to my cocktail party, and Derek is all like, I'm leaving and I'm going to bitch to my assistant about this."
"Good thing she pays someone to listen to her bitch!"
"Right! So now the assistant has listen to Derek bitch about how she lost her best friend. Were he and Austin even that close."
"Well, they went to get dentist's office Botox together."
"That is like getting a butt injection done in a hotel room, girl. Did Austin get any on his face? He says he's only like 23."
"No, girl, she got it in her armpit."
"What, does she think that her armpit is wrinkly?"
"No, she thinks it fat."
"Girl, it is."
"What is this cocktail party Austin was talking about anyway?"
"Oh, she had a 'I'm Not a Mean Drunk' party."
"But ya are a mean drunk, Blanche. But ya are. I guess if I was that fat, I'd be a mean drunk too."
"Truth, hunty! But she won't believe it."
"It's like when you have an ugly top and everyone is like 'Girl, that's an ugly top' and you go around wearing it and asking everyone 'Is this an ugly top? Is this an ugly top?' and they're all like 'Yes!' but you don't believe them so you wear it out to the club and it's ugly and you don't get laid. At some point you just gotta be like, 'This is an ugly top. Maybe I should listen.'"
"That is so true."
"By the way. That's an ugly top."
"Girl, it's Alexander McQueen."
"Oh please, that is some Edwing knockoff that you sewed a McQ label into, girl. That is a knockoff of a diffusion line, and it looks like it has duct tape all over it and you're wearing it with red satin pants. Basically, you are dressed like Ryan right now."
"That is the meanest thing you ever said to me. Was Ryan at the party?"
"Yes, girl. Everyone was, and they were all like, Austin, you're a shitty drunk and then Duncan Hines showed up and is all like, I was never dating Derek, it was all fake for TV."
"Derek was still crying about Austin being his best friend and losing him, right?"
"You know it girl. Austin is so stupid. She's so stupid she thinks that if she does Playgirl that it will like raise awareness for gay couples where one of the people has an accent or something."
"She is so stupid. Do you know what her being naked in a magazine will raise awareness for?"
"That she fat!"
"They all so stupid. But who isn't stupid?"
"Right. We should call her."
"I wonder how much you can get for a used Cartier?"