Is your ego underinflated? Do you lack the mass media ubiquity and blind teen adulation required for true self worth? Luckily there's an iPhone app to help! Meet "Fan Mail."
"I am your BIGGEST fan!" reads one message. "Just want to send you a note to you know that YOU ROCK!" I hope one day I can be as cool as you are." You, too, can have such genuinely heartfelt (sounding) messages delivered to you — and customized! Just pay 99 cents, tell the app your name and occupation, and it will produce an entire inbox filled with messages like "You're an inspiration," "Autograph?" and "A feature on you."
Lest you fear this iPhone app reflects on the disturbingly precarious emotional state of the typical American, rest assured that it does. "A twelve-year old boy sent an email telling me how much he enjoyed my morning radio show," app inventor and Jacksonville morning radio host Mark Kaye wrote in a press release. "It made me realize how lucky I am to be in a position to receive encouragement from people who appreciate what I do... Wouldn't it be great if teachers, doctors, volunteers, and everyone else got fan mail too?" It would be more "great" if people didn't need to bask in the attention of a 99 cent robot, but, hey, to each his own. Just don't call us when your groupie HAL turns stalkery and starts sending "WHY HAVEN'T YOU WRITTEN BACK??" and "I want to wear your skin like a suit" messages.