Mosquitoes Probably Want Their Sperm Back

Triathlon danger! Heat death! Twin town! Crazy leaders! Spermless mosquitoes! Teen vaccines! Worthless soy! Old surgery! And the very latest way that you're killing your poor children! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—microscopically!

  • What generally happens when you do a triathlon is, you die.
  • Other people are just dying from the heat, and come to find out they didn't even do the swimming portion of a triathlon, much less the biking or running portions. What's really going on?
  • What are the chances that a town named "Twinsburg" would also be the town that hosts an annual festival for twins? It has to be a million to one—or should I say a million to two? Haha. In that case you could also say 500,000 to one.
  • Do mentally ill people really make the best leaders? Yeah, leaders of clkahpoihuhazkjfih.
  • They finally figured out how to beat malaria: by making spermless mosquitoes. Until next week when the scientists come back and they're like "Hold on a minute, that doesn't beat malaria at all..." and all the female mosquitoes are like "Yoink! Thanks, scientists! Hahahaha!" The end of the story is that a scientist gets malaria, in his sperm.
  • Lots of teens these days are missing out on life-saving vaccines. Eh. Worst case scenario is fewer teens.
  • Take this, soy mafia: turns out you can eat all the god damn soy you want and it still won't make your menopause symptoms any better. Only giving all of your money to a professional blogger will do that. Then afterwards maybe soy, sure, whatever.
  • Is 83 "too old" to be getting a boob job? Well, let me answer that question with another question: yuck.
  • The bag lunch you pack for your preschooler will kill them.
[Photo: Gerald Yuvallos/Flickr]