A Brief Guide to the Republican Candidates' Sexy Ames Straw Poll Parties

The Ames, Iowa Straw Poll, which some would consider the summer's best opportunity for middling Republican presidential campaigns to build momentum or fail completely, is only a few days away! So what mixture of carnival games and free food will the contenders use to trick voters into supporting them? Let's run down the list.

The straw poll, which gathers voters from around the state at Iowa State University, is not an especially complicated set-up: voters pay $30 for entry, let each of the candidates bribe and fellate them at their booths, and then cast their votes. Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman, who don't really care about Iowa, aren't participating, and Newt Gingrich couldn't afford to rent any space. Here's how the remaining candidates plan to win over voters' hearts:

  • Michele Bachmann is putting on a country music concert for everyone! Musicians Randy Travis, Richie McDonald, Charles Billingsley, and Timothy Ray "Tim" Rushlow — meaning, "Randy Travis and three other guys" — will perform for the expected masses. That's... fine... but will there at least be free hot dogs and shit? It is unclear.
  • Ron Paul will have... Sen. Rand Paul, his son! What sauce will Rand Paul be marinated in? Just kidding, they probably will be eating the less important Ron Paul kid. Otherwise, Paul plans to have some liberty-loving "live bands" of his own, "as well as an inflatable slide and dunk tanks to keep children entertained." Will Rand Paul plunge into the water, like he forced that kidnapped blindfolded girl to do in college?
  • Hermain Cain will have local live bands, food from Godfather's Pizza — the company he used to run — and... a duet and jam session with Mike Huckabee! This will not, however, be Mike Huckabee's only stop.
  • Rick Santorum will be giving everyone jars of his homemade peach jelly. Uhh... thanks, Grandma? At least it could make for a great anus-pumping lube, depending on the viscosity. For entertainment — as if hearing Rick Santorum drone on about napkins and gays isn't enough — Santorum will throw a "Santorum Summer Dance Party." (Okay, everyone take a few seconds to finish laughing.) The main attraction at the Santorum Summer Dance Party will be Buddy Holly's band, The Crickets, apparently still alive, performing with... Mike Huckabee! Everyone's getting laid at the Santorum Summer Dance Party! Ladies, prepare to show some ankle! (AND THEN BURN IN HELL!)
  • Tim Pawlenty is bringing in the corporates and their corporate food: "Famous Dave's BBQ will provide meals, and the campaign will offer Dairy Queen Blizzards." Okay, he wins. What else? "Governor Pawlenty's tent will feature the popular American Christian worship band SONICFLOOd and local favorites The Nadas." Whatever, there's barbecue. And... Mike Huckabee! That guy is a total slut.
  • Thaddeus McCotter may or may not have anything, who cares.

[Image of Iowa State University via Wikipedia]