There are so many new things here on Gawker these days that we thought it would be fun to bring back one of our older, time-honored features: commenter executions. That's right, we will be publicly and bloodily banning commenters who misbehave.
Unlike your precious US of A, the commenting system on Gawker is not a democracy. It's a meritocracy. All of you live or die at our discretion. And sometimes some of you deliver comments that are dumb, offensive, trollish, or—and this is the worst crime of all—boring and unoriginal enough that we must take action. In other words, you must be punished.
For our initial offering, we've made examples out of a large group of commenters for all leaving the most boring and unoriginal comment there is, one that pops up almost daily in our Blind Items post. Every day at least one of you slacking lackwits reads a blind item that looks like this: 1. Which actress is high on coke? or 1. Which actor is a closet case? or 1. Which recording artist practices witchcraft and once sacrificed seven goats to her dark lord Satan? You then respond by putting this in the comments: 1. All of them.
This is never funny! Maybe the first time it was used in like 2003 it was mildly amusing, but it was never funny enough to be used over and over again forever, as it has been. What's even worse, oftentimes commenters will say "All of them" after someone else has already said it in the thread! That is unoriginal squared. And, lest you protest your harsh death, it's not like you haven't been warned about this. So this is what it's come to. The following commenters have been dispatched for this grievous offense:
Which Gawker commenters who commented "All of them" were banned this week? All of them! May this be a lesson to, uh, all of you.
A Few Notes & How to Submit Nominations
All decisions about commenter executions are final. There is no appeal, though bribery is sometimes acceptable depending on the severity of the offense and the amount of the bribe. Executed commenters may be allowed back after a suitable period of exile.
Because this process is to better the community, citizen's arrests for unruly commenters are welcome and encouraged. Executions can be based on a single incident or general and prolonged suckiness. Please submit your nominations to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Please include your rationale for execution and a link to the specific comment (you can get the direct link by clicking on the comment's time stamp) for evidence. Any commenter who submits a successful accusation for execution will be rewarded and deputized with a gold star. Happy commenting, and stay safe!