What's Opening in Theaters This Weekend

We've only a few precious weeks of summer left—it just zoomed by didn't it?—and unfortunately those weeks are the movie doldrums of August. But cheer up, Help is on the way! It should be there in 30 Minutes or Less. Groan.

30 Minutes or Less

Aziz Ansari and Jesse Eisenberg star in this action swomedy (swear comedy) about a slacker pizza delivery boy who gets a bomb strapped to his chest by two bumbling saddos and has to rob a bank for them or they'll blow him up. I think it's somehow a metaphor for the debt ceiling crisis. Or it's just a silly action comedy, sorry swomedy, tailor made for the fleeting, depressing last days of sweet summer. (Wide)

Aarakshan

This is a Bollywood drama (with romance and music too, it looks like) about a teacher battling with nasty government authorities to keep education open and affordable to all, not just rich people. But, again, also there's singing and romance. So, it's not like super boring or anything. (Limited)

Damn!

This well-reviewed documentary tells the story of Jimmy McMillan, the one-time New York gubernatorial candidate representing the Rent Is Too Damn High party. So it tells that weird story but, apparently, it also paints a broader of what sudden viral fame is like and what comes after it. God, there are so many people we could make that movie about these days, aren't there? In the future, everyone will have their own slyly wistful documentary about their fifteen minutes of fame. (NY)

Final Destination 5

Everyone's beginning to think that Tony Todd has been lying to us this whole time and that there really is no end to our destinations. There is just an unending stream of destinations forever and ever as far as the eye can see. Or, y'know, as far as a couple weirdo screenwriters can keep making up elaborate ways for young people to be brutally killed. As long as someone's getting paid lots of money to do that ghoulish job, the destinations are gonna keep on comin'. (Wide)

Glee: The 3D Concert Movie

Oh, it's in 3D?? Good thing! I guess this means the characters will be less flat. BADOOMPA. No but seriously, why is this movie? Why? Do you have to go to this this weekend? Do you have a kid who is making you take her or him (if it's a him, godspeed to ya for ages 13-Marcus Bachmann) to this glittery corpse of a movie? If so, we're all praying for you. Really, we are. It's going to be a grueling, painful time for you, but this too shall pass. Like a kidney stone, though. (Wide)

The Help

Look. The book this is based on is a fun read, all right? It'll take you a day and you'll feel happy for a little while and that's it. No harm, no foul. I know there's a whole mess of racial problems involved with this story, and maybe they're made more glaring by the movie (or maybe not), but it isn't criminal to go to this movie and like it, is it? I'm not really planning on going, but if your mom wants to go see it with a friend, maybe spare her the lecture? For now, at least? (Wide)

Littlerock

This tiny little movie, an Independent Spirit Award winner, tells the story of two young Japanese tourists whose car breaks down in a small California town, thus stranding them. Cultural gaps are bridged, or not. Romance is found, or not. And all the while the desert sun hangs bright and low and sad in the sky and it's one of those movies. (NY)

Over Your Cities Grass Will Grow

This is a documentary look at the work of artist Anselm Kiefer, a German painter and sculptor who creates often large-scale works exploring themes of destruction and fascism. Ugh. I can't wait for this summer to be over. I mean, I'm just so sick of all these popcorn movies. (NY)

Senna

Another documentary, this one is about Ayrton Senna, the Brazilian race car driving champion who rose to fame in the 1970s. So this is that classy Formula One shit. Where are our good ol' NASCAR documentaries? I wanna see some stockcars dammit, none of this Brazilly Frenchy hooey. Damn documentaries. Damn 'em all. (NY & LA)