Bachmann Wins Iowa Straw Poll

Well holy prize-winning cow: Minnesota Congresswoman and downgrade instigator Michele Bachmann did it, she won the GOP straw poll in Iowa. Time to fry up your butter stix and celebrate/beckon death's call!

Bachmann won 4,823 votes out of the 16,892 votes cast, reports CBS—becoming the first woman to ever win the poll since its founding in 1979. What an historic victory for feminists! Ron Paul came in second place with 4,671 votes, probably because everyone enjoyed his "Sliding Dollar" slide-ride (seen at right) so much and wanted to show their appreciation. And Tim Pawlenty—who, in typical Pawlentian tradition, came off as totally desperate, plying his supporters with free bus transit to Iowa, free barbecue food, and free clothing, all to improve his chances—came in third with 2,293 votes. Will this spell the end for Pawlenty '12? Who cares.

Bachmann Wins Iowa Straw Poll

The rest of the Republicans, in order: Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, looming write-in candidate Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Jon Huntsman, and Thaddeus McCotter.

Looks like the Associated Press wasn't ready to commit to their headline before announcing the news:

Rather, Saturday's outcome suggests that XXX has a certain level of support and, perhaps even more important, the strongest get-out-the-vote operation and widest volunteer base in a state whose caucuses require those elements.

Bachmann Wins Iowa Straw Poll

"XXX" is one of Michele's preferred nicknames at home.

Speaking of the Bachmann marriage, is this Mr. Doctor Marcus Bachmann, kissing on some other woman whilst in his wife's tent during the straw poll?

Bachmann Wins Iowa Straw Poll

If so, then how odd! Maybe Tim Pawlenty wasn't the only person who was trying too hard in Iowa.

[CBS. Images via AP, Lisa Lerer, and Getty]