Tim Pawlenty Quits

Former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty has abandoned his sad quest for the presidency after a disappointing third-place finish in yesterday's Iowa straw poll. He told staff Sunday morning.

Pawlenty is quitting because after the results in Iowa it'll be difficult to raise money, but also because with Texas Governor Rick Perry in the race there is a candidate who actually is all the things Pawlenty has been trying to be for the last few months: Conservative, folksy, religious, and Southern.

Indeed, the only distinguishing feature of Pawlenty's campaign was his relentless, embarrassing, wholly unconvincing quest to convince voters—really, even just a voter—that he is an interesting person, leading the candidate to, at various points, affect a Southern accent, quote a Will Ferrell movie, and treat his campaign videos like trailers for Michael Bay movies. (Oddly, the endearing incompetence of his pandering attempts may have made him more interesting than they would have had he been more convincing.)

Oh, no, wait, there were two distinguishing features of the Pawlenty campaign! The other is that Pawlenty's was the only campaign to have a staffer arrested for drunkenly breaking into the home of a poor Iowan family.

All six of Pawlenty's supporters are said to be "sort of bummed."