The A List: Gay Housewives Can't Get Laid

I was too busy cleaning the Fire Island sand out of my crevices last night to watch The A List, but luckily I got on the LIRR at Sayville with Dustin and Jayden, Manhattan's most obnoxious homosexuals. Here's what they had to say about all the action.

"Oh, lady. I am exhausted from this vacation. Fire Island always leaves me in a tizzy."
"Well, at least this time you didn't pass out on G in the Meat Rack."
"At least this time you didn't run through a screen door trying to get a bump."
"At least this time you didn't have a six-man hot tub orgy with some old man with stanky breath."
"At least this time you didn't bitch about Reichen taking TJ to Hawaii."
"Wait, what?"
"Girl, Reichen took TJ..."
"Love her."
"Yes, love. Reichen took her to Hawaii."
"How long did it take TJ to make a 'We got lei'd' joke."
"About 17 seconds."
"Of course. Why were they there?"
"I don't know, girl, she was walking the red carpet at the Honolulu Gay Film Festival or something."
"Ha, that's like being the headlining act at Cleveland Pride."
"That's like being the founder of the Anchorage Gay Community Center."
"That's like being the a former reality star who dated a pop star who is back to being a reality star on something less than basic cable."
"Read! Anyway, Reichen took TJ cause Reichen ain't got no man, but he was supposed to meet this guy there, but then he canceled."
"What, did he try to have a conversation with Reichen and then decided three days with her would be as much fun as as anal wart removal surgery."
"The surgery didn't hurt that bad, girl. No, he didn't come and then Reichen was all sad and actually cried."
"Really? Over some boy she just met?"
"Sad. Then Reichen hit on that queen Mike from Real World DC."
"Oh, girl, they're both awful, but I wanna watch that Sean Cody video."
"Right! But they didn't do it."
"What?"
"Yeah, Mike was all like 'Your intensity is intense and it's intensing my intensity and you're my buddy and I don't want to buddy buddy with a buddy, like you, buddy, and you can't be a fuck buddy because your intensity is burning with a buddiness that buddys my intenseness. Ok, girl?'"
"Girl, that's nuts. I mean, who turns down Reichen?"
"Yeah, I want to punch her in her face, but I'd still fuck her."
"Like our girl TJ says..."
"Love her."
"Yes, she's like, 'Reichen can't talk to boys cause they're usually like "Yes let's fuck" and he doesn't have to have a conversation.'"
"So true, but she did finally talk to this cracker named Triscuit."
"Are they engaged now?"
"Okrrrrr. Practically. Reichen was like 'I've been without a boyfriend for two minutes. Can we get married?' And Triscuit was all, 'Ive been without a boyfriend for four minutes and now I'm ready to have babies.'"
"They're totally engaged, aren't they?"
"Yup. They're actually gay married in four states right now. Well, at least lesbian married."
"Speaking of which, Rod-i-ney is dating too."
"Who is she dating?"
"Some girl."
"Is it some guy we know."
"No, girl, it's a girl."
"Wait, lady, she is dating a girl."
"Yes, girl, a girl."
"A tranny?"
"No, girl, a girl."
"Like a real girl girl."
"Yes, girl, a girl!"
"Hold on, girl. You mean like a RG real girl with real girl parts."
"Yes, girl! She always said she was bisexual."
"Does she realize that doesn't mean people are gonna buy her things?"
"I don't know, but she goes out on this date with this girl and is all like, "Heys there, girl. I's is a bisexuals,' and she's like 'Doesn't that just mean you're Brazilian?'"
"Ha! She thinks Brazilian means he's bisexual. Brazilian means she waxes her taint!"
(SNAPS) "Brazilians better work."
"But guess who broke up?"
"Your face and pretty?"
"Shut up, girl. No. Derek and Austin."
"What happened."
"Austin invited some queen that Derek didn't like to his party."
"Really, girl? That's it!"
"Yes, queen."
"That's like breaking up because you stubbed your toe on your friend's coffee table."
"That's like breaking up because your girl wore the same H&M top to Le Bain."
"That's like breaking up because some producer told you to on a reality show."
"Right, that whole thing is stupid. But now Austin ain't got no friends."
"You know why?"
"Why?"
(Both at the same time) "Cause she fat!"
"Oh. Hahaha. Jinx, girl. Jinx!"
"But really. It's true."
"Girl, I know."
"But now Derek is trying to all be friends with Nanushna and Rod-i-ney and piss Austin off. They were even at her boylesque show."
"Her what now?"
"She did some stupid strip show number in Rocky Horror gold hotpants to promote her new product TanSXL."
"Say what? Did Rod-i-ney steal all the extra vowels in the world or something?"
"Okrrrrr. Derek is all like 'I'm launching my tanning product and taking a step back from work...'"
"Cause she ain't got no job."
"Cause she ain't got no job so her business partner is some burlesque queen named Lady Chardonnay."
"What, was Queen Chablis already taken?"
"Ha. Yes and Our Lady of Perpetual Cosmos was too long. So Lady Chablis choreographs this number for Derek to do with all these naked boys."
"Gross. And Rod-i-ney came?"
"Yes, and Nanushna and Mike Ruiz and his father."
"Oh, that daddy of hers is so hot."
"No, girl, not her daddy. Her father."
"Like the one that gave birth to her?"
"YQ."
"YQ?"
"It stands for 'Yes, queen,' queen."
"Oh. I am so confused. You're saying shit I can't understand, Reichen can't get laid, Rod-i-ney is chasing real actual vaginas, Austin ain't got no friends, Derek and Nanushna are getting along, Mike Ruiz is taking her daddy and her father out at the same time. Next thing you're going to tell me that Ryan has stopped wearing sequined ring leader costumes out in public."
"Oh, don't you worry girl, some things will never change."
"Werq!"