Watching Television Is Actually Shortening Your Life

A new study shows that watching one hour of television can shorten your life by 22 minutes. According to research done in Australia (so how trustworthy can it be?), sitting on your fat ass in front of the boob tube for an hour is deadly, not because you're watching TV, but because you aren't doing anything.

I don't quite understand the math or science behind this study, but that's because my mind is clogged with hours and hours of reality television programs, shitty sitcoms, and procedural mysteries I figured out in the first 15 minutes but watched all of just so that I could prove I was right.

The problem seems to be just sitting there makes you fat and unhealthy that makes you die faster. The more you sit there the fatter and more unhealthy you get, canceling minutes and minutes off your life span. This would happen if you just sat on your couch and stared at the wall, so it's not really the TV's fault, it's that you're a lazy piece of shit.

Anyway, an hour of TV is as bad for you as smoking two cigarettes. So, what happens when you watch TV while eating fried chicken and finish it off with two cigarettes? Instant death? And what about watching TV while on the treadmill at the gym? Does that negate the life you lost while watching an entire season of America's Next Top Model on cable last Sunday while it was raining? And will your health insurance start paying for your DVR? If you don't have to watch the commercials, you're not sitting there for as long. That DVR is saving your fucking life!

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