Just 15 Minutes of Daily Exercise Can Make You an Old Weakling

Menopause things! Cancer secrets! Exercise longevity! Teen sleepers! Prostate genes! Virus superdrug! Healthy obesity! Addiction breakthrough! And Alzheimer's patients demand pancakes! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in an ultimately futile manner!

  • What is it with menopause? Damned if I know.
  • Cancer has lots of secrets. Where were you last night, cancer? "Out?" With Shelly? With Shelly how?
  • Exercising a mere 15 minutes a day could add three years to your life. "I wish I'd exercised more than a measly 15 minutes a day—I'm old and disappointingly frail," you'll mutter over and over again during those last three years, to yourself. (Your friends are all dead.)
  • Teens are biologically programmed to require more sleep, so doctors say the best way to rouse them out of their slumber in the morning is to, let's see here... "Educate them." About the devastating implications of the loss of limbs.
  • Researchers have discovered five specific gene variants that can cause deadly prostate cancer. Wanna know what they are? Larry, Moe, Curly, Burly and Schmoe, I don't know, what do you care, what are you, some sort of chemist? Get outta here!
  • Oh great, scientists invented a new superdrug that can kill any virus. It's called fire. Haha! You saw that one coming right! Don't lie.
  • I've got some news for you, jerk: every obese person is not unhealthy! Some obese people are in perfect physical health. But then, what's that? An obese person just stabbed you with some scissors, because while they were physically healthy they were not mentally healthy. You didn't even think of that, did you?
  • The American Society for Addiction Medicine just watched that show "Intervention" for the very first time.
  • It's time to clear up the misconceptions about Alzheimer's: Who are you?
[Photo via AP]