You Will Never Escape Sex and the City

You thought you were done with Carrie B. and her shoe-loving ways, but you are not. Also today: J.Lo is officially in, ABC is maybe out, Sarah Silverman is in-demand, and Katy Perry is the best at being the worst.

  • Remember when Sex and the City was on the television and it was a good show (it was! really!) and then it ended and you were like "Hm... maybe I'd like some more Sex and the City?" and then the movie came out and you were like "Oh, wait, nope I actually didn't want more Sex and the City, my B," and then the second movie came out and you were like "Guys, seriously, I really didn't want more Sex and the City, I thought I did, but I didn't, and this is making my eyes and ears and insides melt. Please stop."? Remember all that? Well, I hate to tell you, but you're possibly going to get even more Sex and the City. Sort of. HBO is shopping around, and The CW is considering picking up, a TV series based on Candace Bushnell's SATC prequel book The Carrie Diaries, about Carrie Bradshaw in high school, before she met the other girls. So there probably won't be some 30-year-old Samantha hanging out with high school Carrie saying things like "The cervix here sucks," about like a restaurant or something. That probably won't happen, but still. Still more Carrie Bradshaw. How foolish we were to ask for more way back in 2004. [Deadline]
  • Because no one's going to buy the cow if you're giving out the middling television programming for free, ABC has decided that they're going to rethink posting episodes of their shows online. They'll still do it, but they'll likely wait eight days or so before slapping that puppy up on Hulu and the like. So no more next-morning, my-DVR-is-possessed-by-an-asshole-demon-and-didn't-record-Brothers and Sisters viewing for you, you thieving bastard. You're gonna have to sit down at the television box and watch this shit realtime if you want to be up-to-date on the goings on over at Wisteria Junction or whatever. Meanwhile, Surf the Channel is shrugging its shoulders and saying "Yeah, just come find it here anyway." [NY Post]
  • OK, finally, foreal this time, Jennifer Lopez is absolutely, 100% confirmed to be a judge on the next season of American Songbag. It's been back and forth, rumor upon rumor, but now it's a done deal. She'll be joining fellow judges Randruh Jackson and an old gristle witch in crowning a new singer who will do nothing much of note six months after they win the competition. Lopez's salary for the year of sitting and saying a few things for an hour two days a week will pay her approx. a million times more than any of us can ever hope to make in a lifetime of toil. [THR]
  • Stephen Collins from Seventh Heaven, a television show so creepily square and corny (they credit the dog in the opening credits and the dog is named Happy) that I'm still not convinced it wasn't a recruitment series for some sort of sex cult, has signed on to guest star on The Office, playing Ed Helms' dad. That's kind of fun casting! Even more fun is that his mom will be played by none other than Dee Wallace(-Stone), known mostly as the mom from E.T.. (Also The New Lassie. And Sons & Daughters. Basically she has an an
    insane amount of credits.) Looks like they'll only be doing one episode, but still fun news. [EW]
  • Sarah Silverman has everyone a'tizzy! The shock-based comedian has a new show in the works, a single-camera thing "loosely based" on her life, that several networks are warring over! NBC is putting sugar in ABC's gas tank, while ABC slowly poisons Fox's water supply and Fox throws bricks through Les Moonves' window. Everyone wants this damn show. Because Sarah Silverman is funny! Though, I'm not sure how her raunchy comedy will really translate to network television, where the FCC burns down your studio if you dare even to accidentally show a single black tit during a sports game. But whatever! They'll try. Some network will get it and it will succeed or fail depending on how the fickle winds are blowing that day. Uh oh, I said "blowing." Don't say that on your show, Sarah! [Deadline]
  • Here's a nice note to end on. Katy Perry, a singer of sorts who traffics in exploiting gay people and in hokey, hacky '90s nostalgia, now has tied Michael Jackson to become the second ever artist to have five songs from one album (Teenage Dream, in this case) ascend to the top of the Billboard Hot 100. So, the music history books will feature sections on Michael Jackson and Annie Lennox Fiona Apple Adele Lauryn Hill B*Witched Katy Perry. Hahah. Ur so gay, history books. Ur so gay I wish you would hang yourself with your H&M scarf. Because you're gay and faggy, get it? Hee hee! [THR]