Jersey Shore: Twincest

The penal codes in Florence, Italy, are different from those in America, so it appears that a set of twins engaging in intercourse with the same man is not only legal, but encouraged. But with these Terrible Twins, it seems the crew of the most important sociological experiment of our time has finally met its match.

But before we can talk about Ugly Brittani and Busted Eriqua, the twin terrors of the University of Florida, we must first identify some of the guidos' vocabulary so we'll know just what the hell they're talking about.

  • Lean Cuisine: A man who is less of a muscular "gorilla" and has a physique that is trim and toned. This should not be confused with one of JWOWW's dog's which has the same name, possibly after a trim and toned man that JWOWW was once attracted to.
  • Twilight Zone: Just like the television show of old, this is a very dangerous area. It's when a guidette must walk unaccompanied by a female companion through an area teeming with horny men. It is much like walking a gauntlet, but, similar to the real Twilight Zone, guidettes who casually enter this space are known never to return.
  • Twinning: When anyone, especially Charlie Sheen or The Situation, is hooking up with a set of identical twins at the same time. Money may or may not be involved in the transaction.
  • Ménage à Twin: Having a three-way with two twins.
  • Ménagerie: Using the traditional guido slang of using animal terms to describe sexual hijinks, these are the participants of any sort of group sex.

Now that we have plumbed the glossary for their terms about taboo intercourse with unattractive college students, let us look at our favorite subjects' behavior for the week.

Before we can adequately discuss the Misadventures of Brittani and Eriqua we have to talk about Deena and her quest for love in Italy. Deena has arrived on the shores of her spiritual homeland with a mission: hook up with a real Italian man. This is much more difficult than you would imagine. Not only is there the language barrier, but there is also a taste barrier. It seems that guidettes and Italian men aren't necessarily each others' shot of espresso, so finding one she is attracted to who is also attracted to her might be a little bit difficult. However, while at "breakfast" with Sammi (it warrants quotation marks because it happened at 4pm, as is the guido custom) she meets a nice waiter named Ellis who meets Deena's three criterion for an Italian man: speaks English, finds her attractive, and isn't a swamp monster.

In fact, Ellis is quite cute. Deena gives him her phone number and lets him know that they'll be at the club that night (as is their contractual obligation) and invites him to join them. Much to everyone's surprise—Deena's rate of return on numbers given out to phone calls received is about 756,824:1—Ellis actually shows up at the club. And not only does he show up at the club, he is all up in Deena's face (that's "face" in Italian) and they go home together.

There's only one problem: Deena doesn't want to take him to the smush room. She insists they're not having sex, so they're just going to cuddle in the bedroom she shares with Vinny and DJ Paulie Displaced. Well, that's not actually the real problem. The real problem is that Deena has been socialized like a guido, not a guidette. Not only does she sleep in the same bedroom as the men, but she behaves like them, being the aggressor in sexual relationships, bringing strangers home, and being open about her sexual appetite. The other guidos in the house also treat her like a fellow male, and give her the Guy Code courtesy of staying out of the room while she hooks up. But they are drunken and resentful about it, especially when the smush room is available. Vinny and DJ Paulie (Gender) Divide treat Deena like a guido, but she still behaves like a guidette. If she was truly a male, there would definitely be smushing going on, so they don't understand that she can have someone over and not want to "get it in," as it were. Oh, the confusion of messing with gender norms.

But eventually everyone goes to bed in the same room and Ellis, sneaky no-good Ellis tip-toes out in the middle of the night. Apparently he thought that Deena was going to put out too. And she has to slumber through yet another night in Florence, her Italian destiny unfulfilled.

Alright, now it's time to finally get to Brittani and Eriqua, the terrible twins. Brittani, if you remember correctly, is the most "DTF" girl that The Situation has ever met, and he keeps dragging her back to the house in the middle of the night when he can't get any other girl to sleep with him. By all accounts, she is "ugly." We then find out that Brittani has a twin sister named Eriqua. While Brittani is annoying and ugly, Sitch is trying to have a threeway with the both of them, so he keeps them around until that happens. He even calls Brittani on the phone to invited them both over while hardcore macking on Snooki, his stated romantic target for the trip to Italy. He basically says, "I really want to spend the night with you, Snooki, but since you won't, I'm going to try to fuck these twins instead." Yeah, that's a tactic that's sure to work.

The real problem with Brittani is that she is a stalker. She calls all the time, shows up at the same clubs as the crew, and even pops by the house (usually after The Situation beckons). She may or may not be a secret agent for Danielle, Agent of Mossad, the original stalker who has been chasing DJ Paulie Dogged for so long. Always a fan of a prank, Ronnie and DJ Paulie Dialtone keep answering the phone when she calls and playing mean tricks on her. Eventually Ronnie pretends to be Situation and invites Brittani over to the house and tells her to bring Eriqua. Now, I don't know about you, but if my roommate invited over a set of twins that wanted to fuck me, I would nominate him for roommate of the year.

When they arrive, Snooki describes it best when she asks, "What are they doing here in the daytime?" There are two types of girls for guidos: nighttime girls and daytime girls. Nighttime girls are the ones you bring home for a swim in the hot tub and a roll in the hay. Daytime girls are the kind of girls you want to get serious with and introduce to your mother. Never ever once in their lives have Brittani or Eriqua seen the light of day. Never. So Snooki is totally confused about their presence and the girls are excited that someone finally wants to see what their blond hair looks like in the sunshine.

Though he's not interested in anything more than his twin three-way, Situation is a good sport and takes the two out for day on the town, but when it's clear they won't be putting out, he sends them on their way and relegates them back to the nighttime.

While The Situation is taking his nighttime girls out during the day, Ronnie is finally having a daytime chat with his ex Sammi. Every time they get drunk together, Sammi is all like, "I want you back," and Ronnie is all like, "When we're sober." Well, they're finally sober, and man, no one likes what they have to say.

Actually for people who do nothing but talk and fight, Sammi and Ronnie don't really say anything at all. They conversation consists of vague platitudes and amorphous statements. They talk about feelings, but they don't even feel them. Or they do, but they have no way to express them other than the thumps and grunts that have been passed down in their culture.
"So, I...."
"Yeah, me too..."
"I mean, you haven't...."
"No. But I..."
"Yeah. I know..."
"Should?"
"Yes."

Just like that, Sammi and Ronnie are back together. This relationship, at least while in Italy, should be declared an act of international terrorism. We all know what is going to happen. Their getting back together is like a bunch of dead leaves blowing in a circle on the dusty ground. It doesn't seem that threatening while it's happening, but after a few moments those leaves in the wind whip themselves up into a tornado and a thousand years of civilization and architecture will be destroyed in its wake.

Ronnie thinks that they aren't going to fight this time. He actually says this out loud like it is a true statement. Hello, Ronnie! What makes you think this time is going to be different? All you two have ever done is fight. That's like saying, "Oh, this rabid dog isn't going to bite me because it's been in a cage for a few months so now it's cured." It is not cured. It is foaming in the mouth. There is more foam than at some rave party in Ibiza and it is going to drown every last person in Florence.

And as they embrace on the sun dappled rooftop, the future stretched before them like the multi-tiered roofs so romantically arranged across the Italian hills, a bell rings in a town next to their perch. Oh yes, motherfuckers, it tolls for thee.

Speaking of budding relationships, when the crew goes to their favorite nightclub in Florence, Flo (named after your aunt from Red Bank, New Jersey), they run into Ugly Brittani and Busted Eriqua. Who else?! Situation is surprised to see them at first, but figures getting them drunk is the way to finally get his three-way. After all, it is nighttime again.

Wait a minute, Eriqua is not at all down with The Situation or the situation. It turns out she is a virgin. Yes, they are like the opposite twins. Brittani is such a slut that she is like a giant black hole, but Eriqua, well, she's a virgin. She may be one of those girls that is like, "I'm a virgin, but you can fuck me in the butt," but she still claims to be a virgin. I think the reason is that Brittani was the first to give it up and, like any twins, Eriqua felt exactly what Brittani was feeling. So now, Brittani goes out tossing her biscuit at every hungry man that passes by and satisfies the sexual appetites for both of their twins. Didn't Lindsay Lohan do a documentary about this?

But Deena has different plans. Since she can't score an Italian man, she is doing what her male cohorts have resorted to and is hitting on drunk American college girls. Yes, Deena is behaving like a man, so not only does she get sexually aggressive with Eriqua, but she pulls a "robbery" on The Situation, and plucks his girl right out from underneath her. Not only do they make out in the club, but Deena actually takes her home.

OK, here is where things get really crazy. Situation leaves Brittani alone in his room to go talk to Snooki (more on that in a second) and Deena takes Eriqua to her room to make out and snuggle. After awhile, she gets up for some unknown reason and leaves a very drunk Eriqua in the room alone with Vinny. As is always the case when Vinny's enormous sausage is in the general vicinity of a drunken vagina, it is naturally attracted to him, and like a magnet to a piece of metal, her snatch is snatching Vinny's snatcher in no time. She's all up on it and they're about to go to town when Deena comes back into the room and takes her girl back.

Now, the girl was rightfully Deena's, by the rights of Guy Code, which she seems to be adhering to, and for Vinny to pull a robbery on the girl Deena robbed from The Situation is a little bit wrong. After making out for a bit longer, Deena decides she's not ready to go "full lez" and gives the girl back to Vinny so that he can enjoy her for the night. Vinny, who has never met a piece of day-old pizza or a sloppy second he didn't like, is happy to dine on the virgin Eriqua at Deena's behest.

There is so much craziness going on here, but what happened was clearly right. And this offering to the great fertility god in Vinny's pants should make up for any inconvenience Deena caused the other night with that asshole Ellis.

As for Eriqua, how does she expect people to believe she's actually a virigin when, on the same night, she was going to have an incestuous threeway with Situation, lesbian sex with Deena, and regular people sex with Vinny? She is, perhaps, the world's sluttiest virgin.

While Eriqua was being passed around like a Foosball on the world's smallest table, Brittani was lying in bed waiting for Mike. Why? Because he, yet again, was trying to get with Snooki while he had a girl in the other room. But while he's making romantic progress out on the porch, Ronnie is telling Sammi and JWOWW that Situation told him that he hooked up with Snooki and she cheated on Jionni. Phew. Get all that? Good!

According to Guy Code, Ronnie should shut the fuck up, but, as he points out, The Snitchuation has ratted on him so many times that he is no longer beholden to Guy Code. Ronnie drunkenly spills the beans for a bit of revenge. JWOWW, adhering to Girl Code goes out on the porch and interrupts Snooki's private moment to tell her about the rumors Situation is spreading. When Snooki comes back, her attitude is totally different and a fight ensues.

Snooki, of course, says that The Situation is lying about their relationship and the cuckolding of Jionni, Snooki's boyfriend. As an expert in these matters, I think it is right to say that Snooki is probably telling the truth. Even if she's not, I'm running on that assumption, because lying about their relationship to either gain attention or to break Snooki and Jionni up and assert his dominance is totally something The Situation would do.

Snooki's problem with this is, not only is he lying, but he's doing it while they're in the midst of their experiment so the allegations are going to get back to Jionni, even if she doesn't want to address it with him. Now she has to bring up that Situation says he situationed himself in Snooki's snooki, but she also has to assert her innocence while her boyfriend is an ocean away. Jionni is just going to think about this and stew while Snooki continues to wriggle in The Situation's clutches. This has wrought complete destruction and will not only divide the house, but probably end Snooki's relationship. Mike doesn't care if he is the ruler of a ruin as long as he's the ruler.

After arguing among themselves and in different configurations, everyone goes off to their respective beds. The Situation finally joins back up with Brittani, burying his shame and self loathing deep inside of her, even as the woman who he claims is his true love lies just feet away. Deena rolls over in her twin bed, solitary for a change, wishing there was something warm and Italian and male next to her. Sammi and Ronnie curl up next to each other, happy to be together again, two pill bugs in the stinking rot of a compost heap they call their relationship. Vinny is grinning in his sleep, as the world's sluttiest virgin lies next to him, her exhausted hand lying on his chest and her sore ass hanging off the bed. And Snooki the saddest of all, cries alone into her pillow, wishing that she could make it all better, that she could make her lover believe, that she could sail on one of her tears all the way back to the salt water that washes up on the Jersey Shore, back to the boardwalk and Shore Store, back to Karma and the Beachcomber, back to her man and the simpler times before she was experimented on at all, a little rat trapped in a cage, trying to make the most out of her sad, sad trip abroad.