What's Opening in Theaters This Weekend

We have only three summer weekends left, so the last few dregs of summer movies are lurching out of the shadows to entertain you. Today we have a wistful British romance, a scary American vampire, and a far-eastern war.

5 Days of War

When you think of war-torn Georgia, you naturally think of Roller Girl and the love interest from Lance Bass's On the Line. So here we have Heather Graham and Emmanuelle Chriqui in a movie about the troubles in Tbilisi. It just makes sense, don't you think? (Limited release)

A Horrible Way to Die

No, this movie is not about being skinned alive by a cackling Joy Behar, which is certainly a horrible way to die. Nor is it about getting run over by Herman Cain's tour bus, also a horrible way to die. It's just about a serial killer who is crazy and scares people. Oh well. (NY)

Amigo

The indefatigable John Sayles brings us a story from a rarely discussed chapter of American history, the Philippine-American War. In it, everyone's happy and smiles and laughs a lot. I think. I don't know. I can't be bothered to watch the trailer! Time is money! Don't take my word for it! LeVar! (Limited)

Café

West Philadelphia born and raised in the café is where they spend most of their days, chillin' out maxin' all cool... Until a coupla boobs who were up to no good started making trouble in the neighborhood. The boob's were Jennifer Love Hewitt's. Jamie Kennedy is also in this movie, which is set in West Philadelphia. So there you have it. (LA)

Conan the Barbarian

Khal Drogo stars in this movie about swords and yelling and stuff. It will forever be compared to the Arnold Schwarzenegger version and will always be inferior. What is best in life? The Arnold Schwarzenegger Conan the Barbarian. (Wide)

Flypaper

Ashley Judd and Patrick Dempsey do awkward comedy in this bank heist caper film. Also Tim Blake Nelson does his whole Tim Blake Nelson routine and everyone in the audience sits, mildly amused, while also wondering where movies like this get their funding from. "A middle-of-the-road indie that no one will see featuring a comedic performance by Ashley Judd? Who do I make the check out to??" (Limited)

Fright Night

Colin Farrell looks frightfully sexy in this actually kinda good looking update of the 1980s horror classic. This movie also features the hilariously named Imogen Poots, who boasts an admirable commitment to her family name. I mean, just think of the bad reviews! "Poots Poots It." Shudder. (Wide)

Griff the Invisible

True Blood sexhunk Ryan Kwanten stars in this tale of a homemade superhero who is sad and lonely. It's a more dramatic spin on the whole Kick Ass/Super genre. But who really cares about that. Ryan Kwanten! (Limited)

The Hedgehog

This is a movie about two very different people (an intelligent working class older lady and a weird kid) becoming friends. So it's like a lot of American movies, only it's real classy-like because it's French. (NY & LA)

The Last Circus

This Spanish film is about the dark underbelly of circus and clown life. And I do mean dark. This trailer gets crazy at the end. (NY)

Mozart's Sister

The sister of Wolfgang Amadeus was also a musician and composer, but because she didn't have a dingle betwixt her leg bones, she went unnoticed and unencouraged. Now, something like a million years later, a filmmaker comes along with the idea to do her justice, to show her as her own strong person, and does so by naming the movie... Mozart's Sister. Oops. (Limited

One Day

Anne Hathaway shows off her lousy British accent in this weepy based on the weepy book. And Jim Sturgess tries to prove that he's more than just the British Bradley Cooper, that he's ready for the starring-role big leagues. While he succeed? Will Anne Hathaway get stuck down a wishing well like we hope she will? I guess we'll have to find out! (Wide)

Programming the Nation?

This low-budget documentary about the threat of subliminal messaging is full of subliminal messages to see more documentaries. Probably. (NY)

The Smell of Success

Ed Helms, Billy Bob Thornton, and Tea Leoni star in this comedy about manure salesmen. So they sell shit. Weird that a movie about the One Day marketing team is coming out on the same day as One Day! Coinkydinks! (Limited)

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World

Speaking of smells, this movie is actually being released in "Aroma-Scope," meaning you get a little card to sniff at certain points during the movie. Which isn't disgusting at all. Nope, nothing gross about that whatsoever. "Hey kids, want to smell Jeremy Piven?" Nothing wrong there that I can see, that's for sure. (Wide)