I was too busy last night trying to get off of the "Media Power Bachelors" list to watch The A List. Luckily I did the walk of shame this morning behind Manhattan's most obnoxious homosexuals, Dustin & Jayden, and they filled me in on all the drama, girl.
"Girl, what the hell are you eating?"
"Does that mean it's got LV's all over it?"
"No, girl, it means it was $6 at the Limelight Marketplace."
"What the fuck is that?"
"It's the only the hottest place for all-gay couture in the city."
"Is that the mall that used to be a club that used to be a church?"
"You better watch out, there is a K hole on the ground floor that will teleport you back to the early '90s."
"But I had to go shopping at Edwing & aPrayer, the hottest gay boutique in town."
"What, you don't get the Undergear catalog in Washington Heights or something?"
"Shut up, queen. I wanted to hear all the drama from the fashion show from Edwing and TJ."
"Love. She shaved her beard."
"Phew. Now I wish Rod-i-ney would get rid of his beard."
"Is she still talking about how she's dating girls?"
"Yes, but no one ever sees her. It's like he's saying, 'I's haz a girlsfren. U doesn'ts no ha. Shes leafs in Canadia.'"
"Did you hear she's working on improving her English."
"How? She gonna get a tongue transplant?" (SNAPS!)
"No, she got some expert who is all like, 'Open up your jaw, wiggle your tongue around, put something in your mouth."
"Girl, ain't none of those things a problem from Rod-i-ney, Okrrrrr." (SNAPS)
"Werq, hunty! But apparently Rod-i-ney wants to be in a play now."
"She can't even talk. How is she going to be in a play? Is she going to star in the Tranny Helen Keller Story?"
"Don't make fun of Rod-i-ney, Nanooshna will get all upset at you. She's all into him now."
"That is so typical. The first bisexual a fag hag sees and she's leaving puddles all down Ninth Avenue."
"So, was Austin at this stupid fashion show?"
"YQ, and that's what caused all the drama."
"Why, cause she showed her wang to Playgirl now she acting all diva?"
"No, lady, Playgirl rejected her."
"Cause she fat?"
"Cause she fat!"
"Werq! Were they really like, 'No. You're fat?'"
"No, they were like, 'You need to lose some weight, but we'll only offer you $50,' hoping she'd say no so they wouldn't have to be like 'We don't want your fat ass.'"
"So of course she said no."
"Oh and guess which personal trainer she was working with?"
"That stalker Cory that you were fucking."
"Really? God, she was so hot, but so crazy."
"How did you finally get him to leave you alone?"
"I told him I got a job in the touring company of Cats and that we were going on an African tour for three years. He still thinks we're together. I hope he's not waiting for me."
"Anyway, so Austin's at the show and she's fighting with Derek and Nanooshna but not Ryan and Reichen."
"But aren't Reichen and Nanooshna fighting?"
"Yes, Nanooshna went to Reichen's house and all stormed out on him."
"Did he tell her he has anal warts? That's usually why bitches storm out of there."
"No, he told her not to talk about her designer shoes so much."
"Well, that is annoying."
"Yes, but she did not want to hear it."
"Anyway, so they're all backstage at the fashion show and a fight breaks out."
"Too much estrogen in one room."
"Everyone had a poppers headache."
"The fumes from Derek's TanSXL made everyone forget how to use vowels."
"Nanooshna and Austin just start fighting over stupid shit and then Austin runs off and is all like 'Nanooshna stole my best friend.'"
"What is she talking about?"
"Right? Derek isn't talking to her because she's an asshole who invited an asshole to his asshole party."
"Ugh, she is worse than crabs on Christmas."
"They all are."
"The only thing worse than them is the outfits they wore in that damn show."
"Does that mean I have to return this mancorset that Edwing just sold me?"
"Why are you always asking me stupid questions, queen?"