Finally, someone figured out why God sent an earthquake to the East Coast: To punish Barack Obama for vacationing. As it happens, the leader of the free world was golfing in Martha's Vineyard when the tremors struck:
It is still not known if Obama felt the quake, or when he was informed about the intensity and scope of the 5.8 magnitude earthquake. Many residents and vacationers on the island felt a swaying for about 15 seconds.
You may be wondering, "If God was mad at Obama for vacationing, why did he send the quake to D.C., where Obama would be if he weren't vacationing?" Answer: Because God needed 500 miles of Atlantic seaboard to get the ripple effect juuuuust soft enough so it'd do this when it reached him:
He stepped up to his ball, which was several feet from the hole, and made two practice strokes. He missed the hole on his first putt, but got it close. He then tried to tap it in, but missed again. He appeared to pick up the ball to let the others in his party play through as he watched.
Did the earthquake ruin Obama's putt? We may never know! But the RNC said bad things would happen if Obama vacationed, and the Washington Monument is crumbling to dust before Fox News' eyes as we speak, just sayin'. [ABC News, Telegraph, image from Obama-Boehner golf game in June via AP]