Shafted: Dick Worth SquatS

So this is how it is, then? Phillip Seaton (pictured)—an innocent man who went in for a routine adult circumcision and awoke to find that a ding dong doc had dinged his ding dong till it was clean gone—has been awarded not one red cent by a jury of his peers. (A "six-man, six-woman jury," his peers? Are they, really? Are they? Penis peers? Are they?)

The unkindest cut of all: the devil-may-care reaction of Dr. John Patterson, the pork-purging surgeon who moonlights as a trouser snake exterminator:

Patterson said after the verdict, "I think we're feeling pretty good."

Who is this "we," Dr. John Patterson? Dr. John Patterson is feeling just fine, secure in the knowledge that his hose is safely stowed below. Meanwhile poor Phillip can do little but reminisce about the days before John Patterson trimmed his Jimmy Johnson like an unwanted peepee weed. Geez. A fine bite of schnitzel that is, eh?

Dr. John Patterson: no matter what a jury says, you, sir, are a dork.

[AP, photo via AP]