Did you hear? Hurricane Irene is going to slam into New York City like Lindsay Lohan slamming into the sidewalk in front of a nightclub. It's going to be horrible! But we're sure you can make it through if you prepare adequately. Here's how.
Do you know if you're supposed to evacuate your home? What, you don't know? What kind of idiot are you? Is this your first hurricane? Did you learn nothing from Katrina? Jesus! If you are not supposed to be in your home, get the fuck out! If you live in New York, download this map to let you know if you should evacuate or not. Bad news for Williamsburg, Long Island City, Battery Park, Alphabet City, Tribeca, and the West Village. Great news for those of us in Midtown. At least all the tourists will be safe.
Until Sunday, when the storm is projected to hit, the job of the media is going to be to scare the living hell out of you. Why? Cause it's good for ratings. Don't freak out. It's going to be OK. This is no Katrina and we've learned a lot since then. By the time it hits New York, it might not even be that bad. So, yes, evacuate if they tell you to and make sure you are prepared, but this is not the end of the world. You are not going to die. Your co-op building or Park Slope brownstone is not going to blow over. A tree is not going to fall through your roof into the crib and kill your baby. Well, all of those things could happen. But they probably won't. Probably. So just chill.
You're probably going to want to spend the better part of Sunday indoors, which means you're going to need things around the house. You're going to need some food, but don't buy up all the white bread in the supermarket. You're not going to be stranded in the wild for months on end. This is just a day with really bad weather. That also means you don't need to hoard toilet paper. You're not going to be shitting anymore than usual. Well, you may shit yourself if the storm gets really bad, but you're going to need paper towels for that. Just have enough food on hand for a couple of days without delivery (if you make someone bring your dinner on a bike in a hurricane, there is a special place in hell reserved for you), and plenty of snacks. Oh, and booze. And maybe some Xanax.
Fight the Power
Get batteries for sure, and a flashlight to put them in, just in case the lights go out. Don't go insane and get like 20 9-volts. Just get enough for your flashlight, a radio, and your Nintendo DS. Yes, batteries, for sure. Don't get candles. Sure they're romantic, but the last thing you need is to have your apartment burn down while there's a hurricane. Oh, and charge your phone, iPad, computer, vibrator, and other necessary battery-powered electronics. If there's no power, you'll be screwed and then how can you look at Twitter to know when the rain stopped?
Batten Down the Hatches
I don't think boarding up the windows is going to be necessary in New York. If you're closer to North Carolina, a) we're sorry; and b) get your ass to a Home Depot before the lesbians buy up all the two-by-fours. If not, taping the windows to keep them from shattering in on you is probably adequate. Oh, and block up any doors, windows, or any other openings that have a tendency to leak. Don't bother cleaning. You're going to have all weekend to get the dust bunnies under the refrigerator.
Have Something to Do
Chances are you're going to be stuck in the house with nothing to do. That's going to get boring really quickly. So, get on iTunes now and start downloading now. Even if the power goes out, you can still watch on your phone—until that dies too. Cards are a good idea too. You can play with someone else whose stuck in the house or you can play Solitaire. Yes, it's just like on the computer, but with real live cards. Have some reading material on hand, cause that will keep you entertained with just a flashlight. And if all that fails, just masturbate until the rain lets up. You don't even need a light for that!
Plan a Party
Why should you and all your friends be stuck in your respective houses when you can all be stuck in the same house with four bags of pita chips, some hummus, a bunch of beers, and some special Hurricane Punch (which is really every half-full bottle of booze you have in your apartment poured into the same pitcher with some fruit juice from the bodega). Commiserate together! With your battery powered radio, you'll even have tunes to dance to! And if things get really bad, you'll have a looting party ready. And if things get really, really bad, you wouldn't want to die alone, would you? Get that Facebook invite going. It's happening rain or shine.