Killer vaccines! Sex-crazed kids! Lower cholesterol! Sickening papayas! Laundry cancer! Healthier milk! Brain scans! Marathon beer! And fatty fat babies who need a little shove in the right direction! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dishonestly!
- Are vaccines safe for your baby.? This report says yes—this report from the media. Are you going to listen to the media? Kill your baby now.
- And speaking of that, kids these days aren't getting enough HPV vaccines. Hey kids, let me tell you a little story: you have HPV and now you can never ever have another orgasm. See what you did?
- What's the best way to lower bad cholesterol? You just have to go through all your cholesterols one by one and take out the bad ones and put the good ones back in. Or you could eat certain foods. You pussy.
- Do you want salmonella? I did not think so! So get rid of all your Mexican papayas right now! To be on the safe side you should probably get rid of any papayas, since you don't know which might be Mexican. And get rid of any Mexicans, since you don't know which might be papayas.
- Good news: your scented laundry products are giving you cancer. I mean, it's not good news for you. But for the rest of us, well.
- Everybody's so worried about giving their kids chocolate or strawberry flavored milk in school. Don't be! Now they've invented "slightly healthier flavored milk." It's flavored with the same great chemicals, plus one Flintstones vitamin crushed up inside every bottle. The vitamin is made of chocolate milk.
- Sophisticated new brain scans can detect the seeds of Alzheimer's disease even in healthy patients. One day you think your brain is perfectly fine, and then the doctor tells you when I was 12 I used to play with Tommy and Jake and blue is nice I think but I don't know why you're taking me here, just let go of me. I was on the New York Yankees.
- Nonalcoholic beer aids in recovery after running marathons. I guess that really makes all the pain, sweat, and sacrifice of running a marathon worth it: knowing that at the end, there's one single bottle of O'Doul's waiting for you at that finish line. Hey buddy, you can't drink that here.
- Should young children be allowed to read books about dieting? Yours should.