Right now everyone is griping about Hurricane Irene. "It's ruining my weekend!" "I'm being evacuated!" "This is the worst!" Oh, shut up, everyone. This hurricane is going to be great! Here's why.
Of course the hurricane is totally going to suck if you get all negative about it. But let's look at the bright side, shall we? Here are all the cool things that are going to go down, and remember to keep a sunny outlook. Your apartment isn't flooded—it's half full!
Catch Up on TV
Does the thought of your 98%-full DVR keep you up at night? Well, as long as you have power, you are going to power through that whole queue this weekend. You'll be able to show up at work on
Monday Tuesday a week from Thursday and tell everyone how disappointing Web Therapy is. Or you might read a whole book for the first time since that post-colonial Caribbean literature class you took senior year. Accomplishments!
You'll Get Laid
If you share a home with someone you have had sexual intercourse with, you are so totally going to get laid over the next few days. High five! It's just an inevitability. What else are you going to do after spending two days together? You'll have nothing to talk about, nothing to do, and eventually you'll be like, "Oh, why not?" That's awesome. Congrats. Just make sure there is some protection involved. The last thing we're going to need is more girls born on May 28th named Irene, if you catch my drift. Oh, and if you're a single living alone, now is the right time to go prowling the building for hotties. "Can I borrow some batteries?" is the easiest pickup line there is.
Thanks to subway closures, trees in the streets, storm hangover, and other meteorological issues, you're practically guaranteed Monday off. At best you'll be "working from home," which we all know means answering a few emails, watching the rest of season three of Mad Men on DVD, and finishing up the last remaining bag of pita chips on the East Coast.
The Streets Will Be Clean
You know all that nasty skuzz on the asphalt of the New York City streets? Just think of how it will be gone after soaking in some rainwater for a few days. It will be like the opening frames of a black-and-white French movie where some old man is spraying the cobblestones in Paris. Actually, it will probably still be gross. Nevermind.
Bottles and Bottles
Since you went out and irrationally stockpiled bottled water, vodka, and Little Debbies like you bought the first bomb shelter in 1953, you are going to have leftovers forever. You're going to be drinking and eating and enjoying life for months to come. And it's going to be free, because you already paid for everything. You can't let good vodka go to waste!
Eat Whatever You Want
Being stuck inside during a storm is kind of like being on vacation: you don't have to play by the normal dietary rules. You don't have to eat healthy and skip dessert and count calories. In fact, you should do the opposite. This is a high-stress time, so go for the fattiest, cheesiest, least-healthy comfort food you can find in the house, then crush up some potato chips, sprinkle them all over that, and call that Irene Casserole. Anything you eat in 75 mph winds doesn't count anyway. That's fucking science, dude!
You Won't Even Remember It
You are going to be so incredibly shitfaced/stoned/rolling on those last two Mollys you found in the secret pocket of your party jeans that you wore to the Black Party that this whole hurricane business isn't going to mean anything to you by Monday anyway. It's just going to be another hangover in a long line of hangovers. At least this time you didn't embarrass yourself in public. That's the only thing that makes this different than every other weekend.