What's Opening in Theaters This Weekend

Those of you not spending your weekend cowering in your houses while some mean lady named Irene roars around outside might just want to go see a movie. This weekend there's an idiot brother, creepy house monsters, and a butt-kicking babe.

Brighton Rock

Based on a Graham Greene novel, this movie tells a story about a British gangster falling in love with a lady and everything's great until Helen Mirren gets involved and starts ruining everything. That's so like Mirren, isn't it? Always meddling in your affairs. Get outta my business, Mirren! (NY & LA)

The Caller

A magic old phone receives calls from the past, in this movie that is most notable for wedding two great vampire houses. That's True Blood's Stephen Moyer hanging out with Twilight's Rachelle LeFevre! Which means we can only be closer to the realization of my dream, Ryan Kwanten and Taylor Lautner in Sex Academy, a movie I wrote drunk last night. (Limited)

Chasing Madoff

This is a documentary about one guy who spent ten years trying to expose Bernie Madoff's massive Ponzi scheme. A noble cause! Though, of course, the damn thing just crumbled on its own, so it's kind of about one man ultimately wasting ten years of his life. Sigh. (Limited)

Circumstance

A young Iranian woman stages her own sexual rebellion (she goes to dance clubs and, well, falls in love with another girl) in this drama. Wesley Morris of the Boston Globe called it "an outrageously sexy movie." Hm. I'm beginning to think that some men like watching sexy women kiss and make forbidden love. Weird. (Limited)

Colombiana

And I also think they might like attractive women in tight bodysuits shooting guns? Well, at least Zoe Saldana certainly hopes they do, because she's gone and made a whole movie all about that. And here I thought it was the drug trade version of Syriana. Oh well. (Wide)

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

Katie Holmes begins to suspect that her house is full of strange paranormal creatures in this documentary about last summer's Cruise Family Scientology Cookout. (Wide)

The Family Tree

Hope Davis and Dylan McDermott Mulroney star in this amnesia comedy that is most notable for the fact that holy shit look who's playing their therapist, it's Rachael Leigh Cook! Girl, how you been? Welcome back! (NY & LA)

Higher Ground

Vera Farmiga stars in and directed this drama about a woman's spiritual path, from casual believer to extreme believer to cautious doubter. It looks good and serious and pretty, just like Farmiga herself. Bonus: Josh Leonard from Blair Witch! (NY & LA)

Julia's Eyes

This is quite literally a movie about Julia's eyes. Her eyes are going bad! Also she has to solve a ghostly murder mystery, which seems to happen a lot these days in Spain. Also, eyes. They're big on eyes there. (Limited)

Our Idiot Brother

The imminently likable Paul Rudd stars as a slacker-loser who bumbles into his sisters' lives and stirs up trouble. Lisa Schwarzbaum says that they changed the ending to be more wide-appeal, which is too bad, but it still looks pretty good. Plus, dudes: Zooey Deschanel and Rashida Jones are doin' it! (Wide)

Politics of Love

An African-American Republican falls in love with an Indian-American Democrat in this movie set during the Obama/McCain deathfight. Good grief, why would anyone want to relive that miserable time? Forget about it. Political nostalgia? Gruh. Gruh to that. (Limited)

Redemption Road

Mario van Peebles directs Michael Clarke Duncan in this countrified drama about an unlikely pair of musicians taking a road trip cross country. So it's kind of like Boys On the Side, except there are boys and in Michael Clarke Duncan's case, the boy is very enormous. Who plays the Matthew McConaughey part, I wonder? (Limited)

Shut Up Little Man! An Audio Misadventure

Two young guys move into an apartment in San Francisco and — no, it's not one of those movies, we don't cover those movies, go to Fleshbot for that glorious filth — quickly learn that their next door neighbors have loud, hilarious fights all the time. So they record it! This is that story. Weird, but kinda cool. (SF, NY, & LA)

Special Treatment

Isabelle Huppert plays a fancy hooker in this movie about the similarities between hiring a prostitute and going to therapy. Oh brother, only in France! (Limited)

Swinging With the Finkels

Mandy Moore's film career continues to, well, hang around the basement in this sex comedy about spouse-swapping. Ew, Mandy Moore in a sex comedy? Gross. Martin Freeman? Not gross! This is a watch on TV hungover movie, not a go to the theater during a hurricane movie. (Limited)