It's common knowledge that Cornell University—the Ivy of Ithaca— is America's douchiest college. But how is that douchiness manifested? The toga party invitations annually sent out by one of Cornell's athletic teams shed some light on this question!
A helpful tipster forwarded us copies of emails regarding the team's 2009 and 2010 toga parties; the 2011 party, our source writes, is "presumably" coming up in the next few weeks, and will necessitate yet another lengthy invitation. For now, we must make do with these installments from the past. They are long, colorful, and redacted, just as any awesome party invitations should be.
Here's the 2009 email. It's quite ellipsis-heavy, which gives it something of a "word salad" feel:
It's that time of the year again where we get to be zeus and athena..(Athena = [redacted])... and get ready to expose the pink palace aka ([redacted] for the dipshits). 9 p.m. Saturday September 5th the BACK DOOR opens. If any of you fuckers even try to come through the front then I will personally set our wild tiger ... on your sorry pansy asses. For rules regarding this shindig see the email sent out by the legendary [redacted] below. The freshman class is looking good this year so I'm expecting at least 7 girls per dude, even you [redacted], as [redacted] once said.. "So you'll get your buddies dick bit." Attire = Toga, No Toga = No Entrance. The people without togas last year who tried to get into the party were thrown into a car by yours truly, [redacted]... don't fuck up... or else you will be cut... try me. This is the most outrageous party of the year, not only will you see [redacted] fucking grad students, but you may even see [redacted] getting his dick wet.. as well as [redacted] dancing to S Club Seven, [redacted] going into holes where no man has gone before, [redacted] making love to his super ginormous sack(alone), [redacted] being himself (enough said), and if you are LUCKY, you may see the legendary...the myth...[RE...] "the one semester" [... DACTED]. If you don't come you are cut...but seriously.
Then comes this rambling part—an apparent "translation" into Spanish by a team member of Mexican heritage:
Hola chingaderos!!!! that means hello fuckers...in mexican, thought i'd be nice and translate it for you fellas cuz i know we don't get too many mexicans up here in ithaca...we enjoy their more refined immmigrant substitutes, the Canadians! Ehhhhhh!! Anywho, It is my sworn duty and honor to inform ur asses that the Batcave is having a Toga Party on saturday night. You might be asking yourself, "what's the batcave?" or maybe you were even smart enough to skip that question and more importantly ask, "where is the batcave?" and if you asked either of these two questions I'm gonna suggest you shut the fuck up, cuz it's pretty obvious you have a third 21st chromosome....and that means you have Downs.
hahahahahaha, j/k 143. i heart all you guys, (i don't want to sound like a fag or nothing but fucking unicorns kick ass) so let me do a little enlightening on yo asses. The batcave is a house. It's a pretty place where the flowers grow and women flock like the salmon of capistrano....and most of them have really sweet titties. It is located at [redacted] and i'm pretty sure it's sick as my NUTS. okay, so you got the essentials, but there are rules. these rules are analogous to gravity and [redacted]'s testicles in that you can not break them...but if you somehow manage to do so we will rip out hairs from your scrotum and make [redacted]'s cat piss in your mouth
And now, the team's official party rules:
#1 no shooting cum in people's faces...unless it is a hot girl
#2 there will be beer, it is for you to drink, so that you will be merry. it has also been chemically engineered to increase your chances of stinging poomps if you feed beer to girls
#3 Dress in a toga. I know this may be difficult at first, but give yourself 30 minutes to figure it out, put your heads together and do the best you can. drink something, look online at directions, drink something else and ask a hot chic to "help you" wrap a sheet around your body. worst comes to worst, kinda get the sheet some how on, make it down to the batcave, and i will show you exactly how to do it. My name is [redacted], and I kick ass at making togas.
#4 THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: each freshman has to bring 5 bithces, ladies, female friends, whatever you want to call them. If they got enlarged mamary glands and no ween that is basically what we are looking for. this is important cuz number one, i like titties. my name is [redacted] i really like titties. number two, freshmen, you are the link to the new world. guys that don't live on north anymore can't scope what the new class has to offer, so you have to be our eyes and ears...i mean take what you need by all means, it's your class you take first dibs, but that is why i'm having you bring 5 along now isn't it. number three , as i've said before coach [redacted] brought you here to be scorers. Think of all the hard work he put into recruiting you...wouldn't it be terrible to disappoint coach? you gotta take advantage of every scoring opportunity!!! number four, [our] parties are fucking sic, and not gay, like most frat cock parties are gay...not all, most. The [team] knows how to wild out and shit and have a real good time, and we need to let all these ladies know the deal. cuz i kid you not, you bring girls to a [team] party and they will constantly ask you when the next one is. There are a shitload of girls that are my year, 06, that when i tell them a [party] is going on, they instantly say i'll be there, no matter what else is going on that night. this is not an exageration. and you know why that is? cuz the class of 06 as freshmen brought their quota of 5 girls to the first [parties], taking care of business, putting money in the bank, that can be withdrawn as punani dollars... Mash the P's Boys.
#5 no incest...thank you [redacted]
#6 if you eat a girl out that night, at some point you have to stop, look up, and with an australlian accent say, "Now that's what I call a vagina!"
#7 anyone that stabs the guy who stole [redacted]'s iPod will be monetarily rewarded by an anonymous benefactor, and if you see anyone stealing an iPod or you hear the music stop, stab the perpetrator,
okay i think that will doooooo dooooo. we will start playing drinking games at like 9ish, maybe a little after, so if you want to come down then and have a good time, do it. and if you could please pitch like 4 bucks to myself or one of the guys that lives in the batcave [redacted] to help with the burden of beer buying. and if you need a ride very badly cuz the ladies you are with a vaginas, then call us. my number is [redacted] i'd like you to meet my baby's mama, oprah
Now for the 2010 email; note the use of Jersey Shore terminology:
It's time for the annual toga party, game time mother fuckers. This Saturday, September 11th, the boys of [redacted] will open the doors to what we know will be the greasiest toga party of all time. What is greasy you might ask? Besides [redacted] and [redacted]'s dance moves or [redacted]'s jerry grease curls, true greasiness can only be explored by taking a trip down to Club Paradise on Saturday and witnessing it all for yourself. The toga party has become legendary due to the girls' team apparent want to lose their dignity... and guys I hope you are happy to oblige (going to have to act fast if you want to beat [redacted] to the really drunk ones). On that note don't be scared to ask [redacted] about some good places to take these girls (besides the cum infested basement couches), he knows his way around the place and I know he will be happy to give you the low down on where to have the show down. It should be an event as [redacted] tries to extend his streak of a freshman to 5 years in a row, and who knows you may even see [redacted]'s infamous one nut. Two points to whoever can get [redacted] to touch a girl for the first time in his college career or get [redacted] to lose his virginity (no [redacted] the [redacted] story doesnt count). And one point to whoever hooks [redacted] up with someone other than his ex. Fifty if he gets his butthole eaten out. No girl is off limits— girls on the team, girls on the teams' moms, girls on the teams' sisters ([redacted]), coach's daughters ([redacted]), or even a nice butch girl ([redacted]). If your toga stays on throughout the night, we know you weren't successful ([redacted] , but do wear them to sunday morning brunch, full of jungle juice and jizz stains.
We will begin playing some drinking games and stuff around 9 (although [redacted] will already be passed out drunk by then) so you guys are welcome to come down and hang out for a bit before we really start to rage. Also, jungle juice aka "pussy juice" is reserved for the ladies and anyone seen drinking it will be forced to lick [redacted]'s big red bush. Be a man, drink a beer, THIS IS ‘MERICA (that goes for all the greasy canadians too, [redacted]). The official rules for the toga party have been passed down for generations and they are found below along with the invite that we can only describe as classic... BTW Rule #4 is the most important so make sure you help your brothers out. Everyone could use a wet dick on saturday and the freshman class is looking pretty good so lets get it done. Grenades and landmines are NOT WELCOME — unless they give a good handjob, blowjob, or brun-job. If you don't know what a Brun-job is, you cant afford it.
Lets get LOKO. With that, we leave you with an old chinese proverb:
Ice me once shame on me.
Ice me twice shame on you.
Ice me three times puke on [redacted].
The [team] House
Following this invite was, once again, the "chingadero" translation and list of rules. It's nice to have traditions.
Now remember that these are party invitations. They are so long! They could have just made flyers that said, "Booze, Girls, Togas, Jizz Stains: [insert date, time and address here]," and successfully gotten their point across. By the time they finally deliver the essential dates-and-times info, a normal person would be too bored to even care anymore.