Nothing Can Stop The Help

The summer's feel-good hit just keeps chugging along, like it or not. Meanwhile three new films failed to drum up much business, possibly because of the storm, possibly because no one cared.

1) The Help — $14.3M
This Disney/DreamWorks joint only dropped about 30% from last weekend, so it would seem that the hurricane (there was a hurricane this weekend, in case you just woke up from a coma — Channing Tatum is your husband!!! remember hiimmmm!) didn't much affect its business. This thing is unstoppable! Throw a hurricane at it and it just gives that fucker an Octavia Spencer sideways "Mmhm?" stare and it dissipates into nothing. (At least it does in the East Village of Manhattan, where nothing exciting happened. Not that I really wanted any destruction, and not that this or this look like any fun, but I just... Y'know. You get ready for something and then not much happens and it's just sort of, oh OK, you were just eager for something new, a real Experience, and maybe you should rethink your weekends sometimes, maybe go for a hike or take the train somewhere new rather than just sit in the same neighborhoods drinking, because maybe if you did new stuff you wouldn't actively wish for a big storm to come and ravage your city. But who knows. Oh well. Anyway, that's all.)

2) Colombiana — $10.3M
This shameless titsploitation/titsplosion movie only did decently. It should have done better, probably, given that it's about a hot lady with guns, but it is the dreary slump of late August and there was a lot of wind and rain this weekend for like 50 million people or something, so I suppose it maybe was never destined to do that well. Still, it's not a total loss or embarrassment for Zoe Saldana, nor do I suspect that it will do any damage to the common movie tropes of attractive women and big gleaming bullet-spewing metal dicks that we Americans so love to ogle. But this slight disappointment has to negatively affect someone, so I'm afraid that falls on you, Michael Vartan. I know, I know, it's hardly your fault, you're just there to show up and have sex with Zoe Saldana on a few occasions, but I'm afraid this must be blamed on you. Why not go lay low for a while while this blows over. Return to the cinema of your native France! We know you can do it!

3) Don't Be Afraid of the Dark — $8.6M
This Guillermo del Toro-produced, vaguely anti-psychology (and thus pro-Scientology?) horror feature probably hoped to do a bit better, at least based on their creepy and effective (initially, at least) marketing tactic of making those "You're sitting there... in the dark..." movie trailers. Man those were the worst! Actually, maybe those ads worked against the movie by getting people mad at it. "What are you, some kind of jerk? I came here to see Thor on a Tuesday afternoon, not to get menaced by gremlin whispers! I hate you, movie." I mean, maybe that was just me and I am a silly baby person, but I was just there to see Thor and I did not want to be a'feared of nothin'. And yet there I was, yes there I was sitting there... in the dark... and Katie Holmes' brain creatures were talking to me and I didn't like it. So screw you, movie. A satisfying disappointment. Where's your god now, Bailee Madison??

4) Rise of the Planet of the Apes — $8.6M
I don't know. What more is there to be said about this movie? It's done freakishly well, almost to $150 million at this point, and it just makes little sense. What I can say is, get ready guys, I hope you're going to enjoy Climax of the Planet of the Apes and then Falling Action of the Planet of the Apes, and then the prequel Exposition of the Planet of the Apes. Because there will be sequels! At least one sequel. Maybe they'll skip right to Denouement of the Planet of the Apes, though that'd miss a lot of the good stuff and would mostly be James Franco weeping but blinded in an armchair, so broken by all the terrible things he and the apes have done.

5) Our Idiot Brother — $6.5M
Hm. A little sad that this movie didn't do better! I guess it was somewhat niche. They tried to package it is a big Apatowian comedy, but really it's a smaller affair, a little more wistful and indie. Ah well. Everyone in that movie is doing fine otherwise, so this will be OK for them if it doesn't do great business. I mean, it already made back its budget! So it's fine. Though if the Weinsteins are looking for anyone to blame, obviously it would have to be Michael Vartan. Seriously dude, go back to France.