Last night I was too busy eating fried chicken and talking about Big Brother to watch The A List. Luckily I ran into Dustin and Jayden, Manhattan's most obnoxious homosexuals, as they finally walked home from their hurricane party. Here's what they had to say about the gay housewives latest nonsensical dust-up.
"Oh, girl, that was one hell of a party!"
"Right! Who thought a hurricane-themed underwear slumber party would be so much fun?"
"It needed a better name though. They should have called it Blown Away."
"Cum on Irene."
"Werq! I'm just glad we weren't stuck with Rod-i-ney and Nanooshna."
"What? I wouldn't mind spending a night with Rod-i-ney in her underwear, as long as you gag her."
"Mmhmm. I know what what."
"Mmhmm. But why are you avoiding them?"
"Oh, they fighting."
"Jesus, queens. What now?"
"I don't know. It's stupid. My friend Steve..."
"Charlie and Steve Steve or Vinny and Steve Steve."
"Vinny and Steve Steve, he saw them at Vladas..."
"Ew, you're friends with someone who goes to Vladas."
"Yeah. I know. Those couches totally have bedbugs."
"Do you remember that underwear party we went to upstairs where...Oh."
"Girl, I don't want to tell the story about when I got poppers in my eye again, it's embarrassing."
"'It burrrrrrrnnnnnnsssssss!' Anyway, they were all at Vladas and Nanooshna started talking about how she wants to sleep with Rod-i-ney again. And Rod-i-ney was all 'She sew nos mine type.'"
"That's what Reichen said about the date Austin tried to set him up with."
"Since when has Reichen said no to anyone?"
"Truth! So, Austin and Reichen go to the dentist..."
"To get Botox?"
"No, to get their teeth whitened. And Reichen is all like..."
"Ha. No. Everyone knows she fat. Riechen is all like 'You got no friends' and Austin was like 'You're my only friend. I miss Derek.' And then he's like trying to set Riechen up with this guy. So they have dinner.'"
"How much did Austin eat?"
"Why you gotta ask stupid questions? But the whole time Austin is flirting with Reichen and his man is getting upset."
"Why doesn't that man go back to Ireland?"
"Are you sure?"
"She sounds like fucking Molly Malone."
"She does have cockles and muscles alive alive oh."
"But that man got all pissed at Austin and they fought in bed all naked and the man stormed off."
"Guess they're not going to renew their vows."
"Wait, didn't they just get gay married like a year ago?"
"Yes, girl. But apparently it didn't take."
"What do you mean?"
"Austin still is trying to fuck Reichen, so apparently he doesn't understand marriage."
"She doesn't understand a lot of things."
"Like doing crunches."
"The hunky CEO Latino."
"He hangs out with all them."
"He hangs out with Kathy Griffin and his man has some children that he can't see?"
"I'm totally drawing a blank."
"So, what happened with Rod-i-ney and Nanooshna?"
"Oh, so Nanooshna had a launch for her hair line and she and her bitchy gay assistant As If..."
"Isn't it Asif?"
"Whatever. Her and As If pick out all these janky models and throw this party to 'launch' her line of nasty wigs and hair shaped bows and shit."
"What, is Nanooshna trying to do, just rip off Lady Gaga?"
"Something. She's trying to provide nasty drag wigs for all the queens on Fire Island."
"You right. I've gotten better pieces at Wigz & Stuf in Harlem."
"Don't do that, girl."
"Admit you've been to Harlem."
"Shut up, queen you live in Washington Heights!"
"Huuuuhhhhh! How dare...."
"Girl, we know the truth. So, Nanooshna has this hair party that no one goes to and Ryan and TJ..."
"Love, especially in a hair bow. They walk the runway and then they're going to the after party in a white Hummer limo."
"A white Hummer limo? What is this, a bachelorette party from Jersey City?"
"Right! So Nanooshna gets pissed that Rod-i-ney is wearing his sunglasses at night."
"That shit is kind of annoying."
"True, so they start being all cunty, and then they get to the club and they get all cunty again."
"I don't know, girl. Something about Nanooshna thinking Reichen is a shitty singer."
"She is a shitty singer."
"She Reichen or she Nanooshna."
"So then Rod-i-ney is like 'U's so eez beings means toof mee. I leavings.' And Nanooshna is like 'You weren't invited, so I'm leaving' and she stormed out."
"Girl, that makes about as much sense as a bow made out of hair."
"Speaking of going home, you better say hello to a cab, girl."
"Cause we're all the way downtown and 253rd Street is a long way to walk!"
"Fuck you. At least I don't live in Astoria, queens!"
"How dare you. How very dare you."