The Gawker Guide to Fall TelevisionS

The days will soon get shorter, the weather will get colder, and you'll soon have actual things to do at your job now. The end of summer sucks, doesn't it? But at least there's going to be all sorts of new stuff on television! Let's look at everything that will give us a glimmer of hope this fall.

Here's a look at all the new shows that will be cropping up on the networks and some of the more hotly anticipated ones on the cables. Yes, you still have to wait until 2012 for more Mad Men, but you can make it, people. Just look at all this new crap we have to wade through. Better warm up your DVR, because it's going to be a busy fall.


New Shows


Ringer

When? Tuesday, September 13, 9pm
Which Channel? CW
What Is It? Sarah Michelle Geller returns to TV to play a poor woman who is on the run and starts impersonating her posh twin sister when she goes missing. Sounds confusing—and kickass.
Should You Watch It? Oh, hell yes!


H8R

When? Wednesday, September 14, 8pm
Which Channel? CW
What Is It? A celebrity confronts a real life schmo who talked crap about them on the internet and makes him (or her) say it to his (or her) face. Snooki and Kim Kardashian are already on board.
Should You Watch It? This will probably get old fast, but it will be cute for a few episodes.


Up All Night

When? Wednesday, September 14, 10pm
Which Channel? NBC
What Is It? Underappreciated comedic actors Will Arnett and Christina Applegate play new parents trying to balance their social and professional lives with a new kid. Maya Rudolph is part of a strong supporting cast.
Should You Watch It? Though the concept threatens to get staler than a 3-day-old used Pamper, Arnett and Applegate are always a treat.


Free Agents

When? Wednesday, September 14, 10:30pm
Which Channel? NBC
What Is It? Hank Azaria and Kathryn Hahn play PR agents who have a drunken one night stand and then have to keep working together.
Should You Watch It? If you want to watch this then you've never had to deal with PR people.


The Secret Circle

When? Thursday, September 15, 9pm
Which Channel? CW
What Is It? The Vampire Diaries with witches.
Should You Watch It? If you are under 18, it's social suicide not to. If you're older, well, there are a lot worse things you could be watching. Like Grey's Anatomy.


2 Broke Girls

When? Monday, September 19, 9:30pm
Which Channel? CBS
What Is It? A rich girl has to get a job at a diner after her Daddy Warbucks is locked in jail and she ends up moving in with the poor girl she works with at the diner.
Should You Watch It? This has a laugh track and is written by Michael Patrick King, who we still haven't forgiven for Sex and the City 2: Menopause Never Sleeps. So, no.


The Playboy Club

When? Monday, September 19, 10pm
Which Channel? NBC
What Is It? It's like Mad Men but with skimpier costumes, worse writing, and Eddie Cibrian. Damn, he's hot. But he plays some fancy playboy who helps a waitress cover up a murder after she kills a guy with her high heel in the first episode. Yes, with her high heel. That is a real thing. Watch the trailer!
Should You Watch It? Does Hugh Hefner have a smooth nutsack?


New Girl

When? Tuesday, September 20, 9pm
Which Channel? Fox
What Is It? Indie movie vegan singer Zooey Deschanel gets dumped by her boyfriend and moves in with three bachelors have have to teach her how to find love again. No party animals were harmed in the making of this show.
Should You Watch It? This looks like it has the potential to be funny, but it also looks like you might want to claw Zooey's face off after 10 minutes.


Unforgettable

When? Tuesday, September 20, 10pm
Which Channel? CBS
What Is It? Poppy Montgomery (NCISCSIBVD: Special Victims Unit New York) plays a detective who solves crime—with her memory. Yes, she's a crime solver with a photographic memory. Why not just make her a witch or something cool? Zombie? Vampire? No. She can remember things. Criminals beware!
Should You Watch It? You should forget it entirely.


The X Factor

When? Wednesday, September 21, 8pm
Which Channel? Fox
What Is It? Simon Cowell gets the old gang together for this talent show, which is basically like American Idol: Original Recipe but with a few changes. Groups and old people are allowed and the judges coach the singers throughout the season. God help whoever gets stuck with Paula Abdul.
Should You Watch It? Ugh, everyone is, so you might as well tune in too.


Revenge

When? Wednesday, September 21, 10pm
Which Channel? ABC
What Is It? That girl from Brothers & Sisters goes to the Hamptons to get revenge on the woman she blames for tearing her family apart by becoming a part of her world and marrying her son.
Should You Watch It? We really need a new sudsy show to replace the over-picked carcass of Gossip Girl, but something about this just seems a bit off.


Charlie's Angels

When? Thursday, September 22, 8pm
Which Channel? ABC
What Is It? Three hot chicks (this time Minka Kelly, Rachael Taylor and Annie Ilonzeh) fighting crime, just like the original. Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.
Should You Watch It? Sure, if you're a teenage boy who doesn't have Skinemax. Actually, this has a shot to be fun, but consider our skepticism high.


Whitney

When? Thursday, September 22, 9:30pm
Which Channel? NBC
What Is It? Comedian Whitney Cummings plays an annoying girl with a boyfriend and she annoys people and its supposed to be funny like she's Larry David or something, but she's not.
Should You Watch It? Our enthusiasm is completely curbed.


Person of Interest

When? Thursday, September 22, and 9pm
Which Channel? CBS
What Is It? Created by J.J. Abrams and Jonathan Nolan (brother of Inception's Christopher) this psychic spy series follows a billionaire who developed software that can predict who is going to be involved in crime. He teams up with a former CIA agent to help prevent crime from ever happening again. As things usually do when Mr. Abrams is involved, mysteries will sprout from mysteries.
Should You Watch It? My interest is high.


Prime Suspect

When? Thursday, September 22, 10pm
Which Channel? NBC
What Is It? Maria Bellow takes over the role of tough lady detective Jane Timoney that earned Helen Mirren an Emmy or two. She's fighting crime and a sexiest police department with her scowling ways.
Should You Watch It? The original series (a PBS staple) was great, but something about Bello in this role seems grating. Give it an episode or three before deciding if it sucks.


A Gifted Man

When? Friday, September 23, 8pm
Which Channel? CBS
What Is It? It's Ghost Whisperer, M.D.Patrick Wilson plays a doctor who talks to the ghost of his dead wife and, I don't know, stuff happens.
Should You Watch It? No. This looks dreadful. But if Patrick Wilson would like to make a sex tape, I will watch it for three days straight.


Pan Am

When? Sunday, September 25, 10pm
Which Channel? ABC
What Is It? The lives and loves of a group of '60s stewardesses (we can call them that, right?) who work for the airline. It's Mad Men with more ladies, and Christina Ricci!
Should You Watch It? Simply, yes.


Terra Nova

When? Monday, September 26, 8pm
Which Channel? Fox
What Is It? This much-delayed project from Steven Spielberg is about a family that leave a dystopian future to go back to prehistoric times to find a way to save their dying planet. Dinosaur chases abound.
Should You Watch It? It looks dramatic, expensive, and pretty damn cool.


Hart of Dixie

When? Monday, September 26, 9pm
Which Channel? CW
What Is It? Rachel Bilson returns to TV (did we miss her or something?) as a fancy doctor who has to go down south and open a medical practice. It's called Southern Exposure.
Should You Watch It? Eh, just watch those ice cream ads Bilson made with Karl Lagerfeld instead.


Suburgatory

When? Wednesday, September 28, 8:30pm
Which Channel? ABC
What Is It? A teenage girl has to leave her hip home in the city for the suburbs when her father finds a box of condoms in her dresser. Would he rather find that or a baby in her uterus? Hmm? Lots of jokes about how the suburbs suck ensue.
Should You Watch It? Those of us that wanted to escape the suburbs already have. Why go back?


How to Be a Gentleman

When? Thursday, September 29, 8:30pm
Which Channel? CBS
What Is It? If we pretend it doesn't exist, maybe it will go away.
Should You Watch It? Shhhhh...


Homeland

When? Sunday, October 2, 10pm
Which Channel? Showtime
What Is It? Claire Danes plays a skeptical CIA agent investigating the preternatural length of her eyebrows or some other sort of spooky CIA black-ops in Baghdad type stuff. Oh, Mandy Patinkin is there too. Maybe he'll sing some Sondheim.
Should You Watch It? I have a feeling this is one of those shows people will watch and I won't and they'll be all like "You have to watch Homeland," and their insistance will make me not want to so I'll never watch it and then like four seasons in I'll decide to watch them all on DVD and think, "God, Brian, you are such an asshole for not watching this show when it started." I have a feeling it will be like that. Or not.


Mad Fashion

When? Tuesday, October 4, 10pm
Which Channel? Bravo
What Is It? Former Project Runway contestant Chris March makes wacky outfits for wacky people with his wacky staff. Oh, I've missed that Chris March.
Should You Watch It? Would you rather watch the shitty new season of Projet Runway or Chris March's congenial jocularity? Yeah, me too.


American Horror Story

When? Wednesday, October 5, 10pm
Which Channel? FX
What Is It? A couple (Dylan McDermott and Connie Britton of Friday Night Lights fame) move to L.A. and move into a house that is haunted by ghosts or something. Jessica Lange, Zachary Quinto, and Dennis O'Hare are also involved, so the cast is shaping up to be, uh, killer.
Should You Watch It? This was created by Ryan Murphy, so it will be awesome for eight episodes, then start to suck and then there will be a serial killer and then we'll all roll our eyes and say, "Remember when American Horror Story was good?" That will all happen in season one.


Enlightened

When? Monday, October 10, 9:30pm
Which Channel? HBO
What Is It? Screenwriter Mike White's comedy about a woman (Laura Dern, back from the dead) who has a spiritual reawakening in rehab and now wants to convert her intire family, including her mother (played by Dern's real life mother Diane Ladd).
Should You Watch It? Yes, but HBO on a Monday? Weird.


Last Man Standing

When? Tuesday, October 11, 8pm
Which Channel? ABC
What Is It? Ugh, Tim Allen. #EyeRoll
Should You Watch It? Fuck you.


Man Up

When? Tuesday, October 18, 8:30
Which Channel? ABC
What Is It? Three guys have to learn how to be men again. Yes, cause that is the number one problem facing America today: how men aren't allowed to be fat and play video games and scream in public and slag off on their wives and kids. God, it is so hard to be straight, white, and male, isn't it? Assholes.
Should You Watch It? Just put your hand under the band of your sweatpants and fart instead.


Grimm

When? Friday, October 21, 9pm
Which Channel? NBC
What Is It? Some kid who used to be on MTV's The Gauntlet plays a detective who is the last in the long line of monster hunters and he has to hunt monsters with his magic powers. Well, it's better than being a detective with lots of memory power.
Should You Watch It? It's Friday. What else is on?


Thicker Than Water: The Marinos

When? October 21, 11pm
Which Channel? Bravo
What Is It? A tough and lovable Italian family from New Jersey lives their life and makes some drama. The Manzos are so fucking pissed about this show.
Should You Watch It? Well, they already aired the first episode last week as some sort of "sneak preview," so maybe you watched it. If you did, Caroline Manzo already sent Christopher over to your house with a bat.


Once Upon a Time

When? Sunday, October 23, 8pm
Which Channel? ABC
What Is It? A town in Maine is actually filled with characters from fairy tales, and they slowly awaken and start to figure out who they really are.
Should You Watch It? This could be cute, especially if you have kids. But don't get too invested.


Allen Gregory

When? Sunday, October 30, at 8:30pm
Which Channel? Fox
What Is It? The latest addition to their all-animated Sunday night features a super precocious millionaire kid who is forced to attend second grade with the rest of the plebs. Johan Hill does the voice.
Should You Watch It? This doesn't look half bad, and it makes it even better that you don't actually have to look at Jonah Hill.


Hell on Wheels

When? Sunday, November 6, 10pm
Which Channel? AMC
What Is It? Cable's biggest prestige network (sorry HBO) goes all Western on our asses with this show about the building of the Continental Railroad. Because that is boring, there is also a story about a Confederate soldier out for vengeance against the Yanks who killed his wife.
Should You Watch It? If you don't then you hate the south and you hate America. Just remember that.


I Hate My Teenage Daughter

When? Wednesday, November 23, 9:30pm
Which Channel? Fox
What Is It? Jamie Pressley and (Tony winner) Katie Finneran play two middle-aged mothers who hate the mean girls their bitchy daughters have turned into and try to reform them while also trying to befriend them.
Should You Watch It? It seems really stupid, but I said the same thing about Raising Hope last year, and was totally wrong, so, who knows, maybe it will be good.


Returning Shows


  • Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, September 5, Bravo: We haven't heard anything about the new season now, have we?
  • The Rachel Zoe Project, September 6, Bravo: Now with less Brad and more baby.
  • Sons of Anarchy, September 6, Fox: My number one fan Debbie Mazar joins the cast of this Emmy-winning biker show.
  • 90210, September 13, CW: Duh nuh duh nuh, duh nuh duh nuh (clap clap).
  • Parenthood, September 13, NBC: I don't know one person who watches this show.
  • America's Next Top Model, September 14, CW: I said it before and I'll say it again, an all-star season is nothing without Jade!
  • Survivor, September 14, CBS: Contestants Coach and Ozzy return along with the Redemption Island twist for this shows 756th season.
  • It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, September 15, FX: This bar comedy returns so everyone who watches it can make you feel like a jerk for not getting their inside jokes.
  • The Vampire Diaries, September 15, CW: But you knew that, because your niece won't stop Twittering about it. #STEFAN4EVA
  • Archer, September 15, FX: The animated spy show remains undercover.
  • Castle, September 19, ABC: Mysteries, cops, Nathan Fillian with a shirt on. What a waste.
  • Two and a Half Men, CBS, September 19: Say a little prayer for Judy Greer.
  • Dancing with the Stars, September 19, ABC: Kristin Cavallari, Chaz Bono, Nancy Grace, Carson Kressley, Ricki Lake, Chynna Phillips, and David Arquette. Damn, I might actually have to watch your mom's favorite show.
  • The Sing-Off, September 19, NBC: Oh, a singing competition. How novel!
  • Hawaii Five-O, September 19, CBS: Lost's Terry O'Quinn teams up with old cast mates in the season premiere.
  • How I Met Your Mother, September 19, CBS: No, he still won't meet the mom this year. Spoiler Alert!
  • Body of Proof, September 20, ABC: This is one of those shows that are apparently on the air but that you never remember. I have no fucking clue what this is, and I don't think it's worth a Google. Do you? Naw.
  • NCIS, September 20, CBS: It's gonna be a big night in retirement communities!
  • NCIS: LA, September 20, CBS: It's gonna be a big night in retirement communities on the west coast!
  • Glee, September 20, Fox: Don't you dare fuck this up.
  • Raising Hope, September 20, Fox: Last year at this time I never expected to be so excited about the return of this white trash clan, but I'm looking forward to this more than Glee.
  • Modern Family, September 21, ABC: Same old families, but a new Asian baby!
  • The Middle, September 21, ABC: Ugh, Patricia Heaton is like the female Tim Allen.
  • Criminal Minds, September 21, CBS: The [adjective] [name of CBS procedural] returns for its [TK] season with more [noun, noun, and noun].
  • CSI, September 21, CBS: Ted Danson's toupee tries to fill Lawrence Fishburn's shoes.
  • Harry's Law, September 21, NBC: Don't hate Kathy Bates because she's beautiful, hate her because she's on a crappy show.
  • Law & Order: SVU, September 21, NBC: This show is the last of the franchise to go, but it's going to have to stay around without Stabler and only half a Benson this season.
  • Community, September 22, NBC: I don't care how many times you tell me how good it is, I am not going to watch Community.
  • The Office, September 22, NBC: Steve Carell is out, James Spader is in and we still have no idea who the boss is. I always thought it was Katherine Helmond, personally.
  • Parks and Rec. , September 22, NBC: Will someone give the bitchy assistant her own show so I can stop watching this.
  • Grey's Anatomy, September 22, ABC: Watching this show is like being stuck in hell and the only song you will ever hear for eternity is by Gavin DeGraw.
  • The Mentalist, September 22, CBS: Thanks to a show about a detective with an extra special memory, this is no longer the dumbest procedural idea on TV.
  • CSI: NY, September 23, CBS: How have I never seen a crime scene being investigated in New York? Hm? These people must suck at their jobs.
  • Blue Bloods, September 23, CBS: Thank god for the continued employment of Tom Selleck.
  • Nikita, September 23, CW: Still a hot chick. Still kicking ass.
  • Supernatural, September 23, CW: Remember when these guys were all young and hot and now, well, they're still hot but they're like 35 and still wearing Abercrombie and cargo pants and their hair is a little thinning and they have a mortgage and, well, it's just a little unseemly, isn't it?
  • Rules of Engagement, September 23, CBS: Couldn't this have gone the way of Shit My Dad Says?
  • Desperate Housewives, September 25, ABC: Better tune in before these old broads are euthanized at the end of the season.
  • American Dad, September 25, Fox: It's gotta hurt to be the sucky Family Guy.
  • The Good Wife, September 25, CBS: Don't move this show to Sunday! There's already so much good TV on Sunday and there is nothing but this on Tuesday. Why are you ruining the one procedural I like on your damn network, CBS. Assholes.
  • CSI:Miami, September 25, CBS: And now this crap is going to get its stink all over The Good Wife.
  • Boardwalk Empire, September 25, HBO: TV's most overrated show returns for another season of nothing happening.
  • Gossip Girl, September 26, CW: Every character on the show has hooked up with every other character. What's left?
  • Mike & Molly, September 26, CBS: Yup. Still fat.
  • Happy Endings, September 28, ABC: Thank you, ABC, for renewing this delightful little show and saving Damon Wayans Jr from The New Girl.
  • Private Practice, September 29, ABC: Yawn.
  • How to Make It in America, October 2, HBO: The get-rich-quick boys return for another season of schemes, model parties, and weekly life lessons in New York.
  • Dexter, October 2, Showtime: Please, Dex, don't kill Mos Def.
  • House, October 3, Fox: How are there any wacky diseases left for the final season of this show?
  • Bored to Death, October 10, HBO: If you didn't get enough Ted Danson on CSI you can still see him here running around Brooklyn with some mystery-solving hipsters. Know what, I actually like this show. Don't tell anyone.
  • The Walking Dead, October 16, AMC: Can you believe season two of this show is getting here before Mad Men? I can't either, but I'm almost as excited for this as Don Draper.
  • Chuck, October 21, NBC: The new name for this show is How to Escape Cancellation Without Really Trying.
  • Bones, November 3, Fox: The only reason I'd watch this is if they did another Jersey Shore episode.

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The Gawker Guide to Fall Movies