College Deputizes Dorks to Harass Innocent Smokers

Depressercise! Eczema breasts! Sugar drinks! Dead babies! College smoking! Porn hiatus! Bird flu! Fat science! And all your tense sleep is making you tense, and sleepy! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—invasively!

  • Feel depressed? Try exercising. Feel better? I thought so, because that barbell is made of opium.
  • I'm sorry, but there's no evidence that breast-feeding prevents eczema. Repeat: there's no evidence that breastfeeding prevents eczema. There is also no evidence that standing on one foot prevents lupus, or that singing Christmas carols prevents hangnails. But... give me all your money. Yes.
  • The CDC says that half of all Americans drink sugary beverages on a daily basis. They get diabetes and hyperactivity and obesity and their teeth rot. But the other half of people, who drink salt water, experience renal failure and death.
  • When it comes to dead newborns, 40 other countries do better than America. And each and every one of them should be jailed for celebrating the deaths of innocent babies, the sick fucks. Just because they're more efficient killers doesn't make them "better" than us. Not in my book. Not for a second. Oh, I misunderstood that story completely.
  • If you light a cigarette on the University of Kentucky campus, a group of "Tobacco-free Take Action!" volunteers will walk up to you, "respectfully ask [you] to dispose of the cigarette and provide information about quit-smoking resources available on campus." Get a god damn life, Tobacco-free Take Action! volunteers. I'm serious.
  • All US porn movie filming was suspended today after an actor tested positive for HIV. I bet Jay Leno has just the right joke for this occasion.
  • Hey, you know what's coming back? Bird flu! Cool for people who bought wacky bird flu-related t-shirts back when it was a big thing.
  • Motherfucking scientists are now lying that running on the treadmill is a better way to lose belly fat than lifting weights. How did they come to this conclusion? They had one group of people do "the equivalent of jogging 12 miles per week at 80% heart rate," and another group lift weights for "three sets of 8 to 12 reps three times per week." Breaking, running 12 miles is a better workout than lifting some weak plastic dumbbells a few measly times and then going home! Oh, wow! Thanks science! This is exactly why we continue to support scientists being dunked in toilets until they "give up."
  • If you don't get enough deep sleep during the night, you're at an increased risk of hypertension. But hey, when you're not sleeping well, you're like "Please kill me now god!" anyhow, amirite people? That's why the Sealy adjustable bed could be just the thing you need. I'm Ron Popeil, and for the next half hour I'll show you why Sealy's adjustable bed will give you a better night's sleep, or your money back. Other beds are flat—too hard, too soft, full of springs that stick in your back. Not the Sealy adjustable bed. A simple push of a button can adjust the bed to fit your special unique preferred sleeping position. We guarantee you've never had a more peaceful night's sleep. You can sleep easy, knowing that your body is positioned just right to maximize your comfort and minimize sleep-busting distractions. But wait—there's more.
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