In 2008, when the global economy collapsed, the Bush administration hilariously appointed 30-something Republican ski bum and Ferrari-loving Goldman Sachs alum Neel Kashkari as our nation's "bailout czar." It was America's worst job, and everyone hated him. He fled as soon as reasonably possible for the friendlier confines of private enterprise.
So, how's Neel doing now? How is he using his inestimable experience guiding our nation through its most turbulent economic storm in a generation? By running a shitty stock fund, that sucks. Ha.
In 2009, Kashkari went to work for huge bond fun Pimco. His job, according to the WSJ: to turn them into a "big player in stocks." So far, Kashkari has launched two funds—both of which are doing significantly worse than their benchmark index funds. But wait, says Neel: they will perform when you least expect it!
Mr. Kashkari points to more recent performance as indicators of Pimco's strength. The equity funds incorporate the firm's overall strategy of managing for big unforeseen selloffs, known as "tail risk." The funds may lag when markets are calm, Mr. Kashkari said, but "in a cratering or volatile market, [they] really shine."
Indeed, in the past month, amid a global market swoon, the Pathfinder fund has lost 5.65%, compared with 8.21% for its benchmark. However, the Emerging Markets equities fund has lost 11.59%, compared with a loss of 10.66% for its benchmark.
Trust Neel Kashkari to poorly invest during normal times while moderately outperforming a certain benchmark index in times of cratering markets—at least for one of his two products! The other will consistently underperform everything, forever.
Just get you a Ferrari and go on the road, Neel. Say goodbye to this whole big mess. Just get that Ferrari and go and don't look back, man.