What's Opening in Theaters This Weekend

The Labor Day weekend is a slow weekend at the movies, everyone's too busy trying to smother the dread of going back to work with hotdogs and beer, but there are still things opening! Beware of sharks! And moon aliens.

A Good Old Fashioned Orgy

Jason Sudeikis takes center stage for this comedy about a slacker dude who decides to have an orgy with his friends before he loses his beloved summer house. Well, I guess that beats wistfully putting sheets over all the furniture and sitting on the porch with a glass of gin, staring at a single cherished photograph until the sun sets and it's all over. (Limited release)

Apollo 18

This is basically Paranormal Activity but on the moon. A found-footagey kind of thing, Apollo 18 is about a secret NASA moon mission that ends in monster-related disaster. Whatever. Just go rent Capricorn One and call it a day. (Wide)

Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame

A detective/martial arts epic set in a "steampunk version of ancient China," Detective Dee, judging by this trailer at least, seems to earn its long title. (Limited)

I'm Glad My Mother Is Alive

So Montreal's twink auteur Xavier Dolan made I Killed My Mother, and now the real French have made I'm Glad My Mother Is Alive. I'm beginning to think that French-speaking people have some issues with their mothers. Prove me wrong, Tahitians. (NY)

InSight

The likable Natalie Zea from Justified stars in this low-budge thriller about an ER doctor who somehow gets infused with a deceased patient's memories. Then, of course, everything's fine and she goes for a walk and goes to bed. No, of course not. Obviously she has to go solve a scary mystery. It's always a scary mystery. (Limited)

Love Crime

The great Kristin Scott Thomas plays the boss of Swimming Pool's Ludivine Sagnier in this sapphic thriller. Other than the mortality of their mothers', French speakers are fascinated by nothing else more than sexy murder. That's just fact! (Limited)

Love Exposure

A teenager's father converts to Catholicism and throws life out of whack for everybody in this Japanese sex movie. (It's not just the French!) In response to his father's moralizing, the teen sets out to learn how to take the perfect "panty shot," a candid and clandestine photo of a woman's underwear. Whatever works, I guess. (NY)

Resurrect Dead: The Mystery of the Toynbee Tiles

In this bizarre- and fascinating-looking documentary, a man sets out to find the creator of the mysterious (spoiler alert, sorta) Toynbee tiles, small plaques placed in cities across North and South America calling for the resurrection of the dead on Jupiter (or something). Crazy! And really cool. Someone get Detective Dee on the case. (NY)

Saving Private Perez

A powerful Mexican cartel leader heads to Iraq to find his missing brother, because his mom told him to. OK, sure, fine. But are we really wanting to make heroes out of Mexican cartel leaders right now? I know it's just a movie, but... I dunno. Seems odd. (Limited)

Seven Days in Utopia

Lucas Black stars in this golf drama about a down-on-his luck pro who crashes his car in a tiny town and learns to live and love again, thanks to a kindly old man (Robert Duvall), his lady (Melissa Leo), and a perky young love interest (Deborah Ann Woll). So it's basically Doc Hollywood meets Bagger Vance meets, I dunno, Tin Cup? All it needs is a little Caddyshack and I think we'll be in good shape. (Limited)

Shark Night 3D

A bunch of people who really thought their careers would be going better by now (Sara Paxton, Chris Carmack) swim around in the water and get eaten by sharks that were put there by an evil person. My suggestion? Stay outta the dang water, dummies! And, uh, maybe find new agents. (Wide)