All Jobs in America Already Taken

In August, the United States of America, the mightiest economic power the world has ever seen, created the following number of jobs for its citizens: zero. Zero new jobs, according to the very latest jobs figures released this morning, which "show an economic recovery that appears to be puttering out."

Well, let's not be so pessimistic! This is the United God Damn States of Motherfucking America Will Kill You, after all! Yes, this is the first time in nearly a year that there has been no job growth; and yes, the White House is forecasting "persistently high unemployment" through this year and all of next year, which would appear, at first glance, to offer little hope of relief; and yes, the stock market is already plummeting in response to the new numbers; and yes, even an anecdotal search for success stories yields horribly depressing results.

But guess what? Lottery ticket sales are booming. And somebody has to be the lucky winner, right? Why not you?

Time to get your hopes up, America. It's all about feeling lucky.

[Photo: AP]