Mars rocks! Skinny gene! Saffron cancer! Body odor! Beetle drones! Intergalactic traffic! Antibiotic resistance! Old fossils! And a whole new theory of prehistoric hand axe timing! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—coleopteristically!
- We've had a robot on Mars looking at rocks for nigh on seven years now, but guess what: now it found a different rock. BIG NEWS. Who knew Mars would be so boring? Uranus, that's who.
- At long last, scientists have discovered the "skinny gene" that keeps people skinny no matter what. You don't have it. Needless to say.
- Saffron has been found to inhibit liver cancer growth in rats. I guess we know at least one group that won't be getting liver cancer, then: rats.
- Body odor: where does it come from? Scientists say it may come from a rare genetic disorder. I say it comes from your own inherent stankness. You say "No, you're both wrong. It's this garbage in my pants."
- Okay, government researchers have now made beetles into batteries by attaching generators to their wings. There's more: "they think they could improve that by an order of magnitude if they made the beetle a true cyborg and directly implanted the generators to the insect's flight muscles. That's enough power to run the onboard neuro-hardware needed to manipulate the beetles." Cyborg drone beetle soldiers are now a reality. Oh my god.
- This astronomer has found "stellar jet" traffic jams as big as the entire solar system. Traffic jams as big as the entire solar system? Or as we call it, "Atlanta at rush hour." Play me over, Kev! I am named Jay Leno!
- Boom, bitches: turns out that bacteria were resistant to antibiotics thousands of years before antibiotics were even invented. Gulp gulp! That's the sound of me ignoring your wrong "Don't take antibiotics every day just because you like the taste" advice. They taste like sweet chalk, okay.
- A bunch of fossil-diggers say they've found the "oldest" wooly rhino fossil ever discovered. But is it really the oldest? Have you checked every other wooly rhino fossil in the world to see how old they are? Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. If you think I'm gonna just take your word for it you better wake up and recognize that we don't play that in Brooklyn. Can I get a "what what" for Brooklyn, baby! Brooklyn in the house! Regardless, archaeology is an important discipline.
- Did you think that ancient humans only started using hand axes between 1.4 and 1.6 million years ago? You stupid, stupid idiot. They actually started using them 1.76 million years ago. You are off the trivia team—and out of my life.