We've got to apologize. We at Gawker did not give you any advance preparation for Mitt Romney's big economic speech at McCandless International Trucks in North Las Vegas this afternoon! Alas, the strippers and illegal fireworks portion of the program has already concluded. So you're better off just sneaking out of work early to go home and read his 160-page economic plan, on the toilet.
This short book comprised of 59 proposals is thrill-a-minute, easily the best novel we've read since The Bible. That is a lie. We haven't read it yet! But we have read Romney's preview of the plan in USA Today. Here are some of the most exciting highlights:
- Cut or destroy lots of investor taxes, to help the working man. Mitt Romney, like other Republican candidates, wants to slash the corporate tax rate and destroy the capital gains and dividend taxes — for the middle class: "Marginal income tax rates and tax rates on savings and investment must be kept low. Further, taxes on interest, dividends and capital gains for middle-income taxpayers should be eliminated." Mitt Romney knows that the struggling median income earner only wants one thing in this terrifying age of economic insecurity: More chances to play around in the stock market with all of that loose cash they have sitting around.
- Transform the federal regulatory code into a cutesy game. Romney cites a very questionable statistic, that the "federal government has estimated the price tag for its regulations at $1.75 trillion, and then pledges to "direct every government agency to limit annual increases in regulatory costs to zero. The impact of any proposed new regulation must be offset by removing another regulation of equivalent cost." Or you could just weigh the pros and cons of each individual regulation and then decide whether or not to have it, but that must not have quite the sizzle that Romney's looking for.
- Oh dear lord: "The Reagan Economic Zone." Yup! "I will create the 'Reagan Economic Zone,' a partnership among countries committed to free enterprise and free trade." You're welcome, other countries! Aren't you excited to join something that's supposedly about fostering free enterprise and free trade but derives its name from one political party's government personality cult? It screams of liberty, although not quite as much as the "Bieber Money Y'all Tradin' McZone," which was presumably taken.
We'll explain the other 56 proposals, you know... at some point.
[Romney crotch shot via AP]