This Is All the Fault of the Average AmericanS

After last month's wild stock market fluctuations, Americans are all hoping that the various investment indexes calm down and return to a modest, steady climb. Right? Hahaha, no. Americans are all hoping to scrounge a nickel's worth of aluminum cans.

For all of the breathless coverage of the Euro Zone debt crisis and its potential to penetrate our nation's gold-clad shores, the average American is so far removed from being able to utilize any "financial instrument" more complex than a folded dollar bill that the entire panicked tone of coverage says more about financial journalists' inability to select safe mutual funds than it does about some overarching matter of national concern. The average American is collecting scrap metal to sell to the junkyard because his hopelessly indebted state has decided to cut off unemployment benefits. The average American can't even get by on their teenager's Taco Bell wages any more, thanks to all the cuts in hours. The average American's parents have so much debt they can't afford to retire.

Sorry, mom. My own low confidence in the economy is going to cause another recession. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

In the end, we—the average Americans—are to blame for our own plight. Businesses just posted the most job openings in three years (six), thanks to the vast numbers of despondent workers who've hurled themselves off of bridges in response to cuts in hours and wages and benefits and job security. And what are we, the average Americans, doing to take advantage of this newfound bonanza of opportunity? Are we tearing each other limb from limb in order to land one of the coveted spots in the Dunkin Donuts morning shift? Are we starting the motherfucking revolution, rampaging through Greenwich, Connecticut and putting motherfuckers up against the wall? Are we maybe shaking out those couch cushions one more time, at least?

No. We're sitting around eating still-affordable Cheez products and waiting for Barack Obama to propose his "new narrative" on jobs.

Here it is: You don't have a job. Get used to it.

[Photo: Lauren Hudgins/ Flickr]