Drinky ladies! Fewer smokers! Cheaper hospitals! Zombie mutants! Frozen athletes! Gay health! Cancer survivors! Pregnant painkillers! And you don't need no blood thinner girl, you look fine! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—relatively painlessly!
- Having a drink every day is good for middle-aged women, according to a new study. Drink up mom! Boozy floozy! Liquor jokes! Fun and games! Laugh now, and meanwhile your aunt Rhonda's varicose veins are getting worse by the month, I swear. Go ahead and tell your funny jokes though, sure. Your life is just a piece of pie.
- Fewer Americans are smoking these days. Cowards.
- Have hopelessly high hospital bills? Want to learn how to "talk them down" to reasonable levels? Yeah, and I want a kiss on the lips from Lillian Gish. Get a grip!
- Here's how you know you're reading a good solid news story in the area of health news: It begins "There may not be any zombies, vampires or mutant monsters wreaking bloody havoc on innocent people, but"
- Cryotherapy, a technique in which athletes are subjected to -166 degree temperatures in order to speed the healing and recovery process after strenuous workouts, sounds pretty fucked up.
- Why aren't medical schools teaching students about gay health? They don't want anyone to know that gay people are little more than stuffed bags of straw.
- Okay, so you have cancer. Stop. Deep breath. You're a survivor. And these days, lots of beautiful people are putting a fresh face on cancer survival. It's a face that they painstakingly cut off some other cancer victims who weren't so lucky, and fashioned into a gruesome mask of sorts. A face of hope.
- If you're pregnant, you better not use painkillers like ibuprofen, lest it damage your precious future baby. Instead, here's what I want you to do: shut up.
- The FDA has rejected the latest blood thinner. "Blood thicker," says the FDA. I'm just playing yall!