Today we pointed at silly loser Tom Brady and laughed because he wears Uggs. What an idiot! Just kidding. Tom Brady is perfect. Tom Brady is so perfect, in fact, that he must have had a terrible past life. So speculated one commenter, at least.
If reincarnation is indeed real and each new life is a subsequent result of a former, then I imagine that in Tom Brady's last life, he was beset with boils and carbuncles that would ooze constantly while children pelted him mercilessly with feces every waking moment of his long life until he finally died of starvation while trapped with his cock and balls - which were exposed because he was running for his life after being gang-raped by a pack of werewolves - pinned between two jagged boulders that tumbled down the mountain and settled in the most improbable and unfortunate way imaginable. That's the only way his life makes sense.
Sorry, what were you saying? I got distracted looking at pictures of Tom Brady. Sigh.
[Photo via Getty]