Isn't it just cute, at the end of the day? The Tea Party Express got their very own presidential debate in Florida, thanks to the suckers at CNN. They'll be asking only the best questions, like "What will you do about United Nations Agenda 21?" and "Will you salt the ground over NPR's building after defunding and destroying it?" Oh, golly. Pour a shot of whiskey up your nostril and let's watch!
7:58 — It turns out that there's both a phenomenal tennis match and football match on, right now! Um... please watch the debate instead? Wolf Blitzer is the greatest athlete of all, "when you think about it."
8:00 — Newt Gingrich's nickname, according to this opening montage, is "The Big Finger." Is that the one he picks his ass with?
8:05 — Okay so we're doing the national anthem this time around! [Flips to tennis]
8:07 — Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are the only two really mouthing the national anthem, to convince people they're from America. Don't buy it.
8:10 — 10 minutes in, zero questions, seven minutes of Wolf Blitzer droning, three minutes of a frightening national anthem rendition.
8:11 — They're briefly introducing themselves. "I'm Mitt Romney. I live in a monster-sized loafer atop Mount Voldemort." "I'm Rick Perry. I kilt a man." "I'm Herman Cain. I know literally nothing about politics." These are paraphrases.
8:13 — First question from a Jacksonville Tea Party member: How will you destroy Medicare and Social Security without losing an election in a great hellball of fury?
8:15 — Michele Bachmann: I will repeal everything, because I'm the great repealer! Wolf moves on to the real candidates. Rick Perry: Those programs, namely Social Security, will be there for everyone who's nearing retirement age. Meaning we'll keep paying into the "Ponzi scheme" for a few semi-old people's sake, hooray!
8:18 — Rick Perry denounces the New Deal, gets decent applause.
8:19 — This is what Mitt Romney looks like when he's thinking "hatefuck."
8:21 — The audience here, if you hadn't guessed, is really not representative of the general election! Who can shit on Social Security the most? is the flavor of the night. I can, I can! says Herman Cain. Meanwhile, Jon Huntsman is talking about Kurt Cobain, and no one cares.
8:24 — These guys all really think that young people want Social Security privatized. Help the young people! They want their old-age social safety net destroyed in the worst way!
8:30 — No one would repeal George W. Bush's Unfunded Medicare Part D Treasury-Looting Program for Pharmaceutical Companies. But again, they will cut "waste."
8:31 — Wolf, you fartsack! Let the Tea Party ask questions!
8:32 — Ron Paul wouldn't cut Medicare Part D, really. He'd do simpler stuff to save cash, like eliminating several vital federal departments at a time.
8:37 — Tea Party lady from Virginia asks what they would do to help the economy. GREAT USE OF THE TEA PARTY HERE.
8:38 — Jon Huntsman has now mentioned both heroin and Kurt Cobain in this debate. He better mention Alice in Chains by the end of the night, to avoid the snub of the century.
8:41 — Michele Bachmann, yet again, is bragging about how she would never raise the debt ceiling. Hopefully the ratings agencies are watching the Pats game tonight! Also, anyone who clapped when she said that is an idiot. Is that condescending? They are idiots.
8:42 — Herman Cain lays out his famous "9-9-9" economic plan: Nine hobbits, nine jars of Miracle Whip, nine spaceships. Put 'em in a room, seal it off, and you've got a fucking economy.
8:45 — Mitt Romney's thing about "payphone economy vs. smartphone economy," and how Obama keeps putting quarters into a disconnected payphone... just stop it, man, no one finds this funny. Just stop it. Rick Perry calls Mitt Romney a bad poker player, or vice versa, who gives a shit.
8:49 — Newt Gingrich is saying that under the four years as speaker, the economy created more jobs in each rival governor's state than they did during their own terms. Then he avoids taking credit for that — it was the private sector that created those jobs, not me! So what's your con sarn point, Newt? These schlucks really need to figure out whether politicians have an effect on job creation or not.
8:55 — Finally, a *real* Tea Party question: What would you do about the Federal Reserve? Rick Santorum wants to eliminate the Fed's second "charter" (he means mandate) to keep the economy at full employment. That is radical, folks. Herman Cain, too. Wow. These guys want to fully turn over control of the Fed to the interest-collecting class. The Fed sucks, and they want to make it infinitely worse.
8:59 — Rick Perry, who would double down on a claim that Nickelback is a good band if he had the opportunity, obviously doubles down on his claim that Ben Bernanke might be guilty of "treason."
9:01 — A little douchebag in the crowd wants to know how much out of each dollar he earns he'd be able to keep, under their presidencies. Come on, panderers! Someone say "two dollars" and make an ass of yourself!
9:03 — Newt Gingrich: "I favor people who create energy."
9:04 — No one has answered the little douchebag's question. New question from a Cincinatti lady! Would any of you suppor the Fair Tax? (Eliminate income tax and replace with a national sales tax — regressive — wingnuts love — etc.) Mittens avoids, and now we're onto another question. What a poorly moderated debate. Let the Tea Party ask their fun questions, and answer!
9:08 — Rick Perry is against abusing the executive order. You can't legislate by executive order. How noble! Then he adds that he'd use executive order to get rid of ObamaCare, no biggie.
9:11 — Finally, FINALLY, after 1.5 debates, someone is hitting Rick Perry's crony capitalism — giving a contract to campaign contributor Merck for its HPV vaccine, which he mandated by executive order. Rick Perry just gave one of the worst lines of the night: "If you're suggesting I can be bought for $5,000, I'm offended." What's the number, then?
9:13 — Please stop talking about cervixes, Rick Santorum.
9:17 — We're at the part where Mitt Romney tries to explain how Obama didn't take his health care reform idea directly from the Massachusetts' model. Hide.
9:20 — How does Ron Paul deal with the free-rider problem in health care, when those without insurance nevertheless need help they can't afford? Churches! In other words, Ron Paul, and those who would make similar arguments, would use their government power to strengthen Big Religion. It's all top-down redistribution, man. He probably doesn't think of it that way.
9:26 — Hawaiian-shirt man in Cincinatti: "What would you do to remove the illegal immigrants from our country." Cocktails!
9:28 — "We need to build more fence" — Rick Santorum.
9:29 — Rick Perry doesn't think a continuous multi-thousand-mile fence along the Southwest border would solve all of our immigration problems. Throw Rick Perry back over the fence!
9:31 — Question: What would you do for Latino voters, candidates? Yeesh! [Pulls collar.] Rick Santorum says he would force them to learn English. Rick Perry wants to help them get education! Wolf asks Michele Bachmann, is that like Obama's DREAM Act? Bachmann seems surprised by the question. Well... uh... yeah, sure, Rick Perry is Obama, if that's what you want?
9:33 — Wolf to Jon Huntsman: Why did you allow Mexicans to drive in Utah? Oh and Huntsman calls Rick Perry's comment about not fencing the border or something a "treasonous comment." He smiles a bit, because he knows how stupid and sad that sounded. Stick with analogies about the early '90s Seattle scene, Huntsman, if you're going to go with jokes that the Tea Party doesn't get.
9:36 — Mittens: "We are the party of legal law-abiding citizens." HAHAHAHA!
9:37 — We are spending several minutes in a United States presidential debate talking about whether illegal immigrants should be allowed to drive cars in Utah.
9:41 — Ron Paul does that "being completely sensible about U.S. foreign policy" thing he whips out once a night. It's always so inspiring! Then one minute later he'll start talking about privatizing the police force and firemen to be run by the churches or some such.
9:42 — Santorum to Paul: Why do you love Al Qaeda so much?
9:43 — Ron Paul is reciting the direct reasons that Al Qaeda has directly given for 9/11 — American military bases in Saudi Arabia, namely. Crowd tries to boo him down! No information! No information! *LA LA LA*
9:45 — The shots of Wolf Blitzer pacing around in the shadows while people answer questions are the best thing since Pogs.
9:46 — Commercial break, to be followed by cutesy personal questions. SMOKE FIVE CIGARETTES RIGHT NOW.
9:50 — What would you bring to the White House? Santorum: More rooms, beds, because he has so many children. Newt Gingrich: Clean space by clearing out the Czars (HOOAH!) and then having ballet teachers. Ron Paul: a course on Austrian economics (seriously.) Rick Perry: My bangin' hot wife. Romney: A bust of Winston Churchill (background). Bachmann: The Constitution! Herman Cain: A sense of humor. Ha ha ha, what a delightful television segment.
9:53 — The Tea Party debate is over. Let's never do that again. Thanks for reading and commenting!