Last night's episode of Bravo's suddenly grim series did, blessedly, mostly lay off the grim. There were certainly bleak parts, but mostly it was ladies rolling around in the snow and complaining about travel.
I don't know if you've heard, but Camille Grammer, one of the lizard people on this lizardy show, recently divorced her husband, Frasier from TV's Frasier. As part of the divorce settlement the couple is liquidating some of the many properties they own, and one of the first to go is the ski chalet in Beaver Creek, Colorado. To celebrate the house's life and for one last brag hurrah, Camille decided to have her costars fly in for the weekend, because as The Shining taught us, there's no better place for crazy people to thrive than in a snowbound mansion in the mountains. No work and all play makes Housewives something something!
So a trip was in order, and in true Housewife tradition, a trip is a large ordeal full of stress and luggage and oh so very much whining about the difficulties of going to a beautiful snow mansion for free. Back in Beverly Hills, the wives were all trying to put their busy lives on hold. Kyle was enduring the stress of moving into a new, bigger mansion. Adrienne was wandering her stone palace, trying to make sure her chimp-eared hubby knew what to do in case of emergency and in case of kids needing to be fed. Lisa was making slow, soporific love to her paramour Giggy the Dog. And Kim was... I'm not sure what Kim was doing, but I thinnkkkkk it might have involved a few cocktails.
OK, maybe now is a good time to say, well, first, I got my freakout out of the way last week. I'm still not loving the idea of writing about all the sad, bad things on this show seeing as at least some of them led to a real sad, bad thing, but the show must go on I suppose. And I know that last week, while mostly concerned about the Taylor plotline, I did also mention the depress-o-rama that is the Kim Richards Experience, what with the sadness and alluded-to addiction and whatnot. But, if I'm writing about the show, I may as well write about what I see, so that's why I am, perhaps unfairly and hypocritically but what can you do, going to say that Kim was definitely drunk for a large portion of last night's episode, yes? I mean, everything from the car ride to the airport to the airplane ride to when they landed basically, yes? I just feel like I know what drunk looks like, that specific kind of drunk even, and that's what she was.
It's the way she was just a little too loud, the way people, her sister and supposed friends, were kind of surprised by how whoop-it-up and outward she was being. Kim was feeling good. If she wasn't drunk, she certainly had a nice buzz going, and it resulted in her goosing fellow passengers and loudly commenting on every man who walked onto the plane, because I guess she's decided to frame herself as the swingin' single gal on this season. Just ol' Good Time Richards over there, punching airplane passengers' butts and generally harassing everyone around her. It'd be funny if it wasn't so, y'know, but that's what it is. All the other gals kinda laughed nervously at her, a couple even participating in the man ogling and goosing, but mostly it was just Kim alone, doing her strange Kim dance, everyone at home (or me, at least) fidgeting nervously and trying to sing a song in our heads to drown out the embarrassment.
The other ladies were better behaved, for the most part. Sure it was ridiculous that, though they live across the street, Lisa and the Maloof took different limos. And it was also ridiculous that two people brought enough luggage with them for a short mountain trip that they needed to put one of the suitcases in the cab of the limo because it wouldn't fit in the trunk. But they at least weren't, most of them anyway, cat-calling men who were just trying to get to Denver in one piece and manhandling dudes' rear ends. So congratulations to some of the wives for that! Ten points to each of your houses for managing to take a two hour flight without shaming god and country.
Though, oops, actually, ten points from all your houses (though, duh, they're all Hufflepuff, aren't they?) for the way everyone acted when they landed and found out that I-70 was having problems so the limo driver would have to take the long way, meaning they had a four hour drive ahead of them. Sure that's a bit of a nuisance, I suppose, but also, "Oh no, I have to take a beautiful drive through the mountains in a limo for four hours?? Now I know how the pioneers felt!" is not really a measured reaction. Just in case anyone knows anyone or owns a limo themselves, if you'd like to pick me up right now I would totally take a four hour limo ride through the mountains. I know, I know, it was a four hour ride with each other, and being stuck in a car for four hours with Lisa and her Giggy-breath and the Maloof's undoubtedly pungent egg salad farts (the lady only eats egg salad, right? She just really looks like that's all she eats) is probably a misery, but let's have a little perspective here, huh?
At least one person loved the limo ride! Kim, still hepped up on goofballs or whatever, took the ride as an opportunity to do a dreamy, Charles Mee-esque memory collage monologue about seeing a railroad in Colorado once and how it was like she was back on the Disney lot and something something about mountains and the sun and the time Joey and Deena took her to Cape May and they had sparklers and Nancy's kid was there, and he was like sixteen or seventeen or something and she was young too, or young enough at least, and she kissed him on the dock while still holding a sparkler and she thought she'd burned him with it but she hadn't and the next morning they all got in a sailboat and Kim doesn't remember what happened after that but remember Disney remember those old days, what a time, huh, what a time, huh, a railroad, look at these mountains, it's all so wonderful, it's all so so so wonderful, isn't it, remember going to Cape May remember that, that was a million years ago, before the accident, before everything changed, before everything went all brown and gray on me, why did it all go so brown and gray on me, huh Kyle, huh everyone?
I think that was basically what she said, lying on her stomach on the seat of the limo, legs up in the air, head looking out the window with a serene yet troubled look on her face. She cuts quite a figure, doesn't she? She's like if Adam Rapp translated a Chekhov play. She's a character from a soap opera written by Naomi Wallace. A CW show created by Tracy Letts. A Caryl Churchill Tales from the Crypt. She's theater, is what I'm saying. Someone get her on stage!
The four hour tour finally over, the limo pulled into Camille's house, which she said was deliberately designed to look like a medieval castle, because you know Colorado's rich history of having medieval castles. They dot all the Rockies, in fact, from the Sangre de Cristos all the way to the Muskwas, tons and tons of old medieval castles. And Camille wanted to be part of that heritage, so hence a spiral staircase and an iron wall sconce. Totally medieval. That said, yes, the house was lovely, a roomy and comfy ski chalet that wasn't, surprisingly, too terribly ostentatious. A lovely place to spend a few relaxing days! There was only one problem, though. They were one bedroom short, so someone had to share. Camille said that she didn't pre-assign the rooms because "what's the fun in that." I guess Camille would rather watch them bicker over who has to double-up rather than just take care of it ahead of time and forgo some fighting. Camille wanted blood! But alas her thirst was not slaked, as Kyle bravely volunteered to shack up with her woozy sister, because really what else would make sense? Lisa smiled delightedly as she took hold of the biggest room, the alternate master suite, and Taylor and the Maloof were presumably satisfied with their digs. So they were settled!
The next morning Kim was under the weather. Her old Oklahoma enemy Taylor very sweetly sat on the edge of her bed and asked how she was feeling and if she needed orange juice or tea or anything and Kim said no no, just water, she was going to stick with her water. Which, hm. I forget what disease Kim said she had, bronchitis or something, but I certainly know one thing that water's good for! And it rhymes with rang Dover. (As in, "To find out the weather in Maxton, I rang Dover.") So, yeah, again, just speculating here, but I think Kim was feeling a little bruised after tying one on the day before, but no matter, everyone was nice to her, in good moods as they were, excited for a day of skiing. As if summoned by magic there was a ding-dong at the door and there was a "ski concierge," to help size them for boots and skis. None of that fumbling and tumbling around at the lodge, sifting through rental boots. Nope, not for these class acts. The fucker comes to your house and, if you're a certain type of middle-aged lady, he is suave and handsome. So there was much giggling and Kim barking about that, but alas nothing came of it. He just sized everyone's boots and that was that. Oh well.
The mountain! Camille and Kyle and Taylor are pretty good skiers, I guess, and the Maloof and Kim and Lisa, a self-described "creaky beaver" because A) Ha! and B) Ew, were less so, so they decided to split up. It was a joy to see Taylor whizzing around and doing her hockey stops and everything. She really was a good skier! Good for her. Meanwhile Kim was reacquainting herself with the bunny slope and doing quite ably, while Lisa cheerily grumbled about actually being quite a good skier but hanging back for the other ladies' sakes, all said while she looped out of control and fell and with the fakest of laughs said "Ohhh what fun!" Clearly she was not having fun, clearly Lisa Plimperplump does not like being bad at something, but she'll pretend to be enjoying herself to save face. She really is getting the much-mentioned and feared "bitch edit" this season, though I'm not really sure why. I guess either Camille wised up or they thought a round two with her would be boring. So Lisa it is, maybe because she's one of the safer ones, insulated by her thick walls of money as she is. Not going to do much damage to ol' Lisa Lisa and her Cult
So yeah, everyone swooshed and wooshed on the mountaintop and then a cookie concierge came and gave them warm chocolate chip cookies which they all ate with guilty abandon and then, phew, everyone was tired so they had the angel concierge lift them up in his strong, warm, golden arms and fly them back to the ski chalet, where they were greeted by the undressing and bathing concierges and it was just lovely. Then the napping concierges came and put everyone to sleep, except for Taylor and Kyle who went to go sit in the beautiful outdoor jacuzzi tub, which had views of mountains and sat prettily under a light snowfall. They were enjoying themselves and having a nice chat until Taylor brought up her marital problems and the music turned dark and she talked about how scared she is to be alone, as she was 34 when she got married and had therefore experienced a whole lifetime of being alone (sigh) and did not want it again. Kyle tried to comfort her but also asked if the marriage was so bad why would she want to stay in it and Taylor couldn't answer the question and I don't know if that was supposed to be some mystery that we're trying to unlock, why Taylor feels she needs to stay, or if it's just a confused jumble of emotion that she can't see her way out of. I couldn't quite tell. I feel bad for Taylor of course, but also who sent these to Entertainment Tonight? I wish these ladies wouldn't make it so hard to feel bad for them.
Anyway, that was basically the end of the episode. Taylor in a pool of warm water, crying in the snow. Kyle comforting her. Inside the other ladies sleeping, the wet flakes hitting the window with that soothing snow pfft. Kim dreaming of islands and beaches and railroads and mountains, Kim dreaming the dreams of a dreamer, Kim dying and rebirthed and dying again in her head.
And somewhere down the road the ski concierge coming home from work, seeing his partner standing in the kitchen, hugging him from behind, squeezing him tight, saying "I had such a weird day. I met the strangest women." And the boyfriend, the much-goosed plane passenger, leaning his head back into the hug and saying "I know what you mean, baby. Oh man do I know what you mean."