Last night I was too busy getting a drink spilled on me by Christina Hendricks at a movie premiere so I didn't see The A List. Luckily I ran into Manhattan's most obnoxious homosexuals, Dustin and Jayden, as they made their way from Barrage to the Q Train. They filled me in on what happened.
"Oh, girl, hold on a minute. Stop. STOP!"
"Look at those guys in their gym clothes..."
"Damn, that tall one is fine."
"Hell yes, and what about the shorter one."
"Wait, is that..."
"Oh god, girl...it is..."
"Ew, she looks all dewy like she just got out of the gym."
"Or the steamroom, honey."
"Shit, if she was in the steam room with that, then I don't blame her."
"Hellllllooooo. Let's follow them!"
"But damn, post gym, she looks like she stanks."
"What does she stank like."
"Probably her favorite scent: stinky armpit."
"I thought her favorite scents were masculine things like lemon and mint and lavender."
"Girl that is about as masculine as a garter belt."
"As masculine as a Summer's Eve commercial."
"As masculine as a reading of The Vagina Monologues at Smith."
"Okrrrrr. But that is what her fragrance is gonna be."
"I thought she smelled like open bar vodka sodas and desperation."
"No girl, she gonna have a perfume that she wants to be masculine and sexy but it smells like lavender and lemon."
"Oh Jesus. Hashtag Eyeroll. What's she calling it: Stinks Like Reichen."
"Ha, no. She calling it Reichen."
"Who does she think she is? Cher?"
"Please, she just a designer impostor body spray. She told the whole crew about her new stench when they went to get dentist Botox with Ryan."
"Those queens can't stop with the plastic surgery. Did you hear about Rodiney's hairplugs."
"Her what now?"
"That doll head went and got hair plugs. They like cut out a bunch of her hair from the back of her head and put it in the front."
"Rod-i-ney always was a little bit ass backwards."
"Of course after she got it done she was all 'Now I's happee wif my bodee. I is perfects.'"
"Except she talks like Cousin Geri on Facts of Life after doing three keg stands."
"Speaking of keg stands, is everyone still mad at Austin?"
"OH! Girl! You're never going to guess who I ran into."
"Cory that kid who almost drowned in the hot tub at Zig-Zag?"
"No, girl, your stalker, Cory the trainer."
"She was asking about you."
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her that you moved away."
"Oh thank god. Wait, where did you tell her I moved?"
"That's the meanest thing you ever said about me. Why would I move upstate?"
"Please, child, where would you move?"
"I don't know, San Tropay or something."
"Girl, you don't even know how to say it. But Cory told me she was at some party with Austin and Jake in the Hamptons and Austin got in a big fight with Derek because Derek don't want to be friends any more..."
"Because Austin is fat."
"Because Austin is fat and then she was so sad that she has no friends that she cried."
"I bet she looked like Suzanne Sugarbaker after her pig died."
"Which one is Austin: fat Suzanne or the pig?"
"Girl, speaking of pigs, why are we still following Reichen?"
"Oh, I'm not following her, I'm following that boy she's with. Do you think he'll go home with me?"
"Girl, she doesn't look like she would do Astoria. Or upstate..."
"You're such a bitch."
"Whatever, queen. Fuck you. See you next Tuesday!"
[Special snaps to Intern Tim who made the video above]