What Ever Happened to All-Natural Drugs Like Heroin?

Immune cancer! Alpha males! Child naps! Hospital sepsis! Kidney disease! Erectile cure! More diabetes! Designer drugs! And you won't want to miss today's fruit that will kill you! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—opioidally!

  • Scientists did a thing to "immune system" to make cancer die. I think they should make all cancer die and people live.
  • Alpha males tend to dominate positions of power, but is their personality putting their long term health at risk? I hope so. Fuck those guys.
  • "A Child's Nap Is More Complicated Than It Looks." Really? Lay down and pretend to be asleep or I'll wrap you in masking tape until you are a mummy. Doesn't sound so complicated to me.
  • Hospitals are gonna try really hard not to give you sepsis while you're in there, because it could cause you to die and all, but look, hospitals are really busy okay, so just bear with them okay? Just have a seat over there in the sepsis chair and they'll be right with you, okay?
  • Let me get this straight: you have kidney disease, but you still use NSAIDs? What are you, stupid? What are you thinking? What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you? Hey. Hey. Look right here. What the fuck is wrong with you?
  • Healthy lifestyle changes like diet and exercise can go a long way towards curing erectile dysfunction. Not as long as a robot cock, of course.
  • Okay so they thought there were only 285 million people with diabetes, but now it looks like there are actually 366 million people with diabetes. Hey, what's an extra 81 million people with diabetes? I'll tell you what it's not, is a lot of extra blood sugar!!
  • The UN says that synthetic drugs like ecstasy and meth are now more popular than good old-fashioned natural drugs like coke and heroin. Ugh, putting all that artificial stuff in your body, I just can't imagine. I'll stick with the blood-encrusted speedball spike, thank you.
  • Will that cantaloupe be the one that kills you? Yes.
[Pulp Fiction pic via]