Here's a full-length, at last!, trailer for November's The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1, the penultimate installment in the vampyr love story that's really just Mormon allegory. And guys! Look! They fuck!

They fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. They fuck in the evening fuck in the daytime fuck at supper time, when fucking's on a bagel you can be fucking anytime. Or something. The point is, the point that this human adult is currently making, is that Bella and Jedward (ohhh were it actually Jedward in these movies!) finally, finally, play a game of hide the ice-cold salami. Yepppp! And then she gets pregnant. Off the first go-'round.

And that's when the author of the books, Steponme Meyer, breaks out her whole pro-life agenda. Y'see, the baby is going to kill Bella, but she nobly decides to carry it to term, because that's what good Mormon vampyr wives do. (They also wait to have sex and dutifully rely on their husbands and other males to protect them.) Meanwhile, Taylor Lautner's twink sex cult, called "The Bearwolves" (I think?), doesn't like that there's basically a vampire hybrid growing inside that white lady, so they set out to kill baby Prius. This is all a good occasion for both Edward (pure white alabaster true love) and Jacob (dark ethnic hot ephemeral passion) to defend the consistently imperiled Bella, because grunting men running to a damsel's defense is, I guess, how you write a book in the 2000s that some people will call feminist. (They actually will! And do!) Then the action suspends and we have to wait for Breaking Dawn Part 2, even though there's enough content in the actual book to fill a shoe.

In case you can't tell, I'm a huge fan. So I really can't wait. I actually really can't wait! I've seen all the movies and find them uniformly terrible, and yet I keep giddily anticipating the next one. So here, finally, is the fucktastic, Brazilian-flavored full trailer, and I gotta say, it's gonna be good. Look at Bella's sick pregnant lady makeup! Hahaha, she looks like a Contagion disease victim. I can't wait.