Gay Archie Character to Get Gay Married, Gayly

Kevin Keller, the popular new gay character in the Archie Comics universe, will soon be returning from war and getting married to a man in an offshoot series that envisions the Riverdale teens later in life. Will anyone object??

That's what a Fox News article asks, only to immediately say that, yes, someone WILL OBJECT! Namely the Family Research Council, the group co-founded by sensual massage enthusiast George Rekers. A spokesman for the group says:

It's unfortunate that a comic book series usually seen as depicting innocent, all-American life is now being used to advance the sexual revolution. I think whatever boost in sales might come from the novelty or curiosity factors will be more than offset by the number of both kids and parents who will be turned off by this storyline and its obvious social and political agenda.

"Their obvious social and political agenda!" says the group with the obvious social and political agenda.

Other folks are excited about it, of course. Not the least of them the perpetually girl-hating Forsythe "Jughead" Jones, who has placed a discreet call to Dilton Doiley asking if he can finally "make an honest nerd" of him.

(Also, sort of depressing that the war is still going on in the future, huh? Sigh.)